So I'm feeling a little better than I was when I last posted, but I still have to say I'm pretty shit scared of this surgery. I know that it's relatively routine, but I've always had a hugely unrealistic fear of breaking my neck, and now a doctor is going to be cutting, removing disks, and messing with vertebrae all that are impinging on my spinal cord....ick.
Not to mention the fact that they access your spine through the front of your neck, which means they have to push aside your esophagus and trachea....i'm not too wild about any of this....but I've got lots of time to get used to it...so hopefully I'll gain even more perspective.
As for the fibro???? the stress of all this medical crap has pushed me into a huge flare...ick. I hurt like hell, and I haven't slept more than about 6 hours total in the last 4 days....at least it's almost the weekend and I will hopefully will be able to relax and get some sleep on my days off.
until this weekend......
hobbz
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Better sharpen that knife there doc!
So yup, you guessed it...surgery it is for me! The doctor wants me to have the surgery next week, however as our crazy life would dictate, my husband is having the exact same surgery except his injury includes several discs, on July 21st....soooooo....I'm probably going to have surgery the week after him, if we can swing it.
Now the intellectual, trying to keep perspective me, says "go with the flow, don't fight what you can't change" "it is what it is"....but WTF did I do in a previous life to deserve this crap???? I really need to vent for a minute here. I'm trying my best to slog through every crappy ass day with the fibromyalgia, even trying to change it into something positive in my life...but it feels like I just keep getting shit upon! My husband included. Every time we get to a point that we feel like we've made it through the crisis and our heads are above water, some sick s.o.b. decides to throw another wrench in the works and back to drowning we go! Isn't it enough that one of us has to have surgery? Apparently not! We both need to have it, and we're not talking a minor scrape or cut...we're talking spinal cords here. Man this sucks! Not exactly what I envisioned my life being...I'm totally aware that life is nothing but ups and downs...but I'm done with being sick and injured and broken and in need of 65 medications, while seeing 3 different doctors and trying to juggle all these appts and meds and work and marriage and parenthood and oh ya squeeze a life somewhere in there, when my fibro allows.
I know I'm just being bitter, but I think I'm allowed to vent and feel sorry for myself for one night before I suck it up and deal with the shit hand I've been dealt. Where can I vent if not here? I wanted to show what it's like to live with a chronic illness, well it sucks, not because my life is anymore difficult than anyone else's, but because I have the same trials and tribulations on top of feeling completely beat. You win life! I give....."uncle" I say...."uncle".
Argh...this is so frustrating! Now I run the gauntlet of letting everyone know what's going on, and I just am not up to it right now. This sounds totally perverse, but I was looking forward to being able to help my husband with his recovery, and in some tiny way, pay him back for all the times, he's helped me with my fibro, which, let's face it...is daily. Now I'll be available for a week and then we'll be commiserating together....If it's not one thing it's another.
So what now???? I suck it up and turn to all the tools that I've learned to deal with this crap! I focus on living in this moment, and this moment only. I'm not doing anyone any good by getting caught up in the past or the future. I also need to just let it go. "it is what it is" and nothing more than that....sigh.....sigh.....deep breath...sigh....ok...so that's just what I'll do.
Reading this, I sound like I have multiple personalities....and partly I do. There's that part of me that is soooo resentful at being sick, I just wanna scream....but the other part of me that knows I have to survive, tells me to just get over it and move forward.....
Maybe another night of no sleep will help me get better perspective....lmao...yes that's a statement oooozing with sarcasm...
I'm just gonna shut up now....and go focus on something else....I wish I had something better to offer, but here is where I am....and that also, is what it is.....
hobbz
Now the intellectual, trying to keep perspective me, says "go with the flow, don't fight what you can't change" "it is what it is"....but WTF did I do in a previous life to deserve this crap???? I really need to vent for a minute here. I'm trying my best to slog through every crappy ass day with the fibromyalgia, even trying to change it into something positive in my life...but it feels like I just keep getting shit upon! My husband included. Every time we get to a point that we feel like we've made it through the crisis and our heads are above water, some sick s.o.b. decides to throw another wrench in the works and back to drowning we go! Isn't it enough that one of us has to have surgery? Apparently not! We both need to have it, and we're not talking a minor scrape or cut...we're talking spinal cords here. Man this sucks! Not exactly what I envisioned my life being...I'm totally aware that life is nothing but ups and downs...but I'm done with being sick and injured and broken and in need of 65 medications, while seeing 3 different doctors and trying to juggle all these appts and meds and work and marriage and parenthood and oh ya squeeze a life somewhere in there, when my fibro allows.
I know I'm just being bitter, but I think I'm allowed to vent and feel sorry for myself for one night before I suck it up and deal with the shit hand I've been dealt. Where can I vent if not here? I wanted to show what it's like to live with a chronic illness, well it sucks, not because my life is anymore difficult than anyone else's, but because I have the same trials and tribulations on top of feeling completely beat. You win life! I give....."uncle" I say...."uncle".
Argh...this is so frustrating! Now I run the gauntlet of letting everyone know what's going on, and I just am not up to it right now. This sounds totally perverse, but I was looking forward to being able to help my husband with his recovery, and in some tiny way, pay him back for all the times, he's helped me with my fibro, which, let's face it...is daily. Now I'll be available for a week and then we'll be commiserating together....If it's not one thing it's another.
So what now???? I suck it up and turn to all the tools that I've learned to deal with this crap! I focus on living in this moment, and this moment only. I'm not doing anyone any good by getting caught up in the past or the future. I also need to just let it go. "it is what it is" and nothing more than that....sigh.....sigh.....deep breath...sigh....ok...so that's just what I'll do.
Reading this, I sound like I have multiple personalities....and partly I do. There's that part of me that is soooo resentful at being sick, I just wanna scream....but the other part of me that knows I have to survive, tells me to just get over it and move forward.....
Maybe another night of no sleep will help me get better perspective....lmao...yes that's a statement oooozing with sarcasm...
I'm just gonna shut up now....and go focus on something else....I wish I had something better to offer, but here is where I am....and that also, is what it is.....
hobbz
Sunday, July 6, 2008
An actual diagnosis!!!!
Who'd a thunk it???? I finally after all these months/weeks have been diagnosed with a "slipped disc" in my neck. No....there is NO problem with my shoulder, barring the fact that my disc has slipped into the space where my spinal cord should be and is pressing on the nerve that apparently runs thru my back and shoulder. Who Knew????
Even though it took forever, at least now I know what I'm dealing with. The doc I had been seeing was a shoulder guy, so he's referred me to one of his partners who is apparently a "neck guy". So I see this neck doctor on Tuesday. By the sound of it, I'm headed for surgery, but you never know, this new doc might have some new fangled way of fixing this problem non-invasively. I'll keep you all posted.
Lucky for me the celebrex is still working and I'm not in much pain. My fibro though has been keeping me from getting any restful sleep for the past few nights, so even though it's only 7:30, I'm off to bed to hopefully read myself into a blissful nights sleep. LMAO as if???? Not so much with fibro, but it sounds sooo good!
When I first went to see my family doc for my shoulder (aka neck), I was asking her about what I can do to get my energy at least to a point where I can workout, in some small way. She suggests that once I get my shoulder (aka neck) figured out, that she is going to send me for a sleep study as she's seen some promising treatments out there to help fibromites the deep restorative sleep that we soooo lack, so I'm also looking forward to that. It's a downhill spiral...no sleep leads to increasing exhaustion, which leads to increased pain, which leads to an inability to sleep, which leads to exhaustion=pain=no sleep....you see where I'm going with this. You throw fibrofog on top of all that and you have one cranky, non-thinking, exhausted, barely functioning person....and it's beginning to feel like that's a good day for me....sigh....
One thing at a time, has to be my focus. I can't spend today's "spoons" worrying about tomorrows "potential" problems....so for tonight it's off to my comfy bed, with my comfy pillows, and my furry dogs to keep me warm! I'd complain that my husband is away at work...but for tonight, no snoring and a king size bed to myself, sounds pretty darn nice!
night all
hobbz
Even though it took forever, at least now I know what I'm dealing with. The doc I had been seeing was a shoulder guy, so he's referred me to one of his partners who is apparently a "neck guy". So I see this neck doctor on Tuesday. By the sound of it, I'm headed for surgery, but you never know, this new doc might have some new fangled way of fixing this problem non-invasively. I'll keep you all posted.
Lucky for me the celebrex is still working and I'm not in much pain. My fibro though has been keeping me from getting any restful sleep for the past few nights, so even though it's only 7:30, I'm off to bed to hopefully read myself into a blissful nights sleep. LMAO as if???? Not so much with fibro, but it sounds sooo good!
When I first went to see my family doc for my shoulder (aka neck), I was asking her about what I can do to get my energy at least to a point where I can workout, in some small way. She suggests that once I get my shoulder (aka neck) figured out, that she is going to send me for a sleep study as she's seen some promising treatments out there to help fibromites the deep restorative sleep that we soooo lack, so I'm also looking forward to that. It's a downhill spiral...no sleep leads to increasing exhaustion, which leads to increased pain, which leads to an inability to sleep, which leads to exhaustion=pain=no sleep....you see where I'm going with this. You throw fibrofog on top of all that and you have one cranky, non-thinking, exhausted, barely functioning person....and it's beginning to feel like that's a good day for me....sigh....
One thing at a time, has to be my focus. I can't spend today's "spoons" worrying about tomorrows "potential" problems....so for tonight it's off to my comfy bed, with my comfy pillows, and my furry dogs to keep me warm! I'd complain that my husband is away at work...but for tonight, no snoring and a king size bed to myself, sounds pretty darn nice!
night all
hobbz
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wow...meds that work?!!!!!
So we finally got me on Celebrex, which made an instant impact on improving my shoulder pain! Yea!....we've actually discovered that my problem is in my neck and not my shoulder, who knew? I in fact am having trouble with my c5 and c7 vertebrae. I had an MRI done last week and will see my doctor on Thursday. To my untrained eye the results of the MRI look bad, but I'm hoping that my doc doesn't see it that way...ick.
But since the meds are working, I'm hoping to be back up and running with my blogs. I tooks some great pics this weekend when we were out camping and will try to post them in the next couple of days.
As for my fibro? It's been up and down. It was funny, cuz when I was taking the heavy duty narcotics, I was feeling pretty good as far as the fms goes...in the narcotic haze it never dawned on me, that it was actually the narc's doing their job...lmao...sometimes I'm a little slow! One of the side effects of oxycotin is that it worsens restless leg syndrome, from which I suffer....man....I do NOT repeat NOT want to do that again. I've never had so many long nights of no sleep in a row...not to mention pacing around the house so I wouldn't go crazy with my legs...keeps me from wanting to be addicted that's for sure...lol...so now I'm in wait and see mode and just enjoying (if you can say that) only living with fibro and not my shoulder pain too. How weird life is!
I'll keep you posted on my doc appt. hope everyone is well! It sure feels nice to be back online!!!!
hobbz
But since the meds are working, I'm hoping to be back up and running with my blogs. I tooks some great pics this weekend when we were out camping and will try to post them in the next couple of days.
As for my fibro? It's been up and down. It was funny, cuz when I was taking the heavy duty narcotics, I was feeling pretty good as far as the fms goes...in the narcotic haze it never dawned on me, that it was actually the narc's doing their job...lmao...sometimes I'm a little slow! One of the side effects of oxycotin is that it worsens restless leg syndrome, from which I suffer....man....I do NOT repeat NOT want to do that again. I've never had so many long nights of no sleep in a row...not to mention pacing around the house so I wouldn't go crazy with my legs...keeps me from wanting to be addicted that's for sure...lol...so now I'm in wait and see mode and just enjoying (if you can say that) only living with fibro and not my shoulder pain too. How weird life is!
I'll keep you posted on my doc appt. hope everyone is well! It sure feels nice to be back online!!!!
hobbz
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
sigh
So obviously, I'm still struggling with my shoulder. I totally hate not being able to blog...but sitting and typing is very painful. I had a steroid shot last week and I'm still waiting for it to kick in...I'm hoping that will be soon.
I feel like I'm really losing my momentum, with the blogs, and my health and my life in general. This is so damn frustrating!!!! I am soooo tired of hurting, and being in a fog due to the narcs and not sleeping crap crap crap!
sigh, what doesn't kill us will make us stronger, right?????? I sure hope so!
I will be on as soon as possible! please please keep tuning in!
hobbz
I feel like I'm really losing my momentum, with the blogs, and my health and my life in general. This is so damn frustrating!!!! I am soooo tired of hurting, and being in a fog due to the narcs and not sleeping crap crap crap!
sigh, what doesn't kill us will make us stronger, right?????? I sure hope so!
I will be on as soon as possible! please please keep tuning in!
hobbz
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
On the mend????
So the good news is, that my arm is no longer excruciatingly painful, just a 6 out of 10 on the old pain scale that we're all so familiar with. It used to be a 9-10 so progress counts for something. My doctor put me on prednisone and now my heart has been doing funky things like pausing to take a rest instead of jumping into that next beat. I spent Friday night in the ER after it kept missing beats for about 2 hours, of course it was even doing it in the parking lot of the hospital....but the minute I was hooked up to that cardiac monitor, it just chugged along for 3 hours in normal sinus rhythm. Just like going to the repair shop with your car. It's done it several times since then, but my doctor says she thinks it's just the steroids and that it should resolve itself over the next couple of days, if not it's back to the doc I'll go.
I have made some improvements in PT so, I'm hoping that I'm on the upward swing for now. What is it they say about expectations???? "they're just future disappointments/resentments"??? Well I'm trying really hard not to build any, but I sure do hope that things are slowly improving at this point. All though I have to laugh because I keep miss typing my words as my finger tips are all numb on my left hand. yikes.
Sleep too, has come a little easier with the decrease in pain. I actually just got up from a lovely nap, that was simply divine!!!! aaaaahhhhhh, I love naps! Aren't they just the coolest thing?
So here's hoping that the tides have turned....
hobbz
I have made some improvements in PT so, I'm hoping that I'm on the upward swing for now. What is it they say about expectations???? "they're just future disappointments/resentments"??? Well I'm trying really hard not to build any, but I sure do hope that things are slowly improving at this point. All though I have to laugh because I keep miss typing my words as my finger tips are all numb on my left hand. yikes.
Sleep too, has come a little easier with the decrease in pain. I actually just got up from a lovely nap, that was simply divine!!!! aaaaahhhhhh, I love naps! Aren't they just the coolest thing?
So here's hoping that the tides have turned....
hobbz
Thursday, May 8, 2008
"kinda, sorta...but not really"
So this has become my mantra of late. "kinda, sorta, but not really"... is my shoulder getting better???? kinda sorta but not really. Nobody seems to know what's wrong with it, and it still hurts like hell. I'm on constant doses of oxycontin which is making me quite useless, yet I'm still trying to work and function, because I only just barely have enough vacation time to get through my trip to Canada this summer and I'm down to 1.46 hours of sick time. So pretty much on the work front I'm screwed. On the home front, my husband is in town for now, so it takes alot of the day to day tasks off my shoulders, but doesn't make it any easier on him or our son....sigh yet again.
I went to the doc for the 4th time now, and she added prednisone to my steady diet of pills and patches. So far it's been 2 full days and the pain is slightly dulled, so keep your fingers crossed. I've also been getting only about 4 hours total of sleep a night which is good in that, it's double over the amt. from the last 2 weeks but it's about a third of what my body needs in reality...on a good day, let alone a bad fms day.
I had a shoulder x-ray done, as my PT and doc were sure I had either a bone spur or cartiledge damage....but nope...everything looks "perfect" with my shoulder. Now in most instances this would make me happy, but right now it totally sucks, cuz we're still completely lost in terms of what is wrong with me. Quite frankly the pain and lack of sleep are really getting to me! This whole situations sucks!
All I can think is here's hobbz complaining yet again..some more...another time. It seems like everytime I get over one major health issue another comes up. So here I am with major injury/problem number 4 in as many months. 2008 can retire right flipping now for all I care. lol.
So I apologize for letting both my family blog and my fms blog suffer, but I can only do what I can do, and at the moment: what I can do is pathetically little. For the now the plan is to continue with PT for another 2 weeks and if there isn't "significant" improvement then it's off to the MRI and an ortho surgeon consult...ick ack oop. Please, please no!
On a completely different topic, I hope folks had a chance to read the "spoon theory", it's the most honest and accurate account of what it's like to live with a chronic illness/disability that I've come across. Though it was conceived of and created by someone with Lupus it speaks totally of my experience with fms, and I'm guessing the same is true for MS, chronic fatigue, etc....
fight the good fight folks, and I'll try to be on more!
hobbz
I went to the doc for the 4th time now, and she added prednisone to my steady diet of pills and patches. So far it's been 2 full days and the pain is slightly dulled, so keep your fingers crossed. I've also been getting only about 4 hours total of sleep a night which is good in that, it's double over the amt. from the last 2 weeks but it's about a third of what my body needs in reality...on a good day, let alone a bad fms day.
I had a shoulder x-ray done, as my PT and doc were sure I had either a bone spur or cartiledge damage....but nope...everything looks "perfect" with my shoulder. Now in most instances this would make me happy, but right now it totally sucks, cuz we're still completely lost in terms of what is wrong with me. Quite frankly the pain and lack of sleep are really getting to me! This whole situations sucks!
All I can think is here's hobbz complaining yet again..some more...another time. It seems like everytime I get over one major health issue another comes up. So here I am with major injury/problem number 4 in as many months. 2008 can retire right flipping now for all I care. lol.
So I apologize for letting both my family blog and my fms blog suffer, but I can only do what I can do, and at the moment: what I can do is pathetically little. For the now the plan is to continue with PT for another 2 weeks and if there isn't "significant" improvement then it's off to the MRI and an ortho surgeon consult...ick ack oop. Please, please no!
On a completely different topic, I hope folks had a chance to read the "spoon theory", it's the most honest and accurate account of what it's like to live with a chronic illness/disability that I've come across. Though it was conceived of and created by someone with Lupus it speaks totally of my experience with fms, and I'm guessing the same is true for MS, chronic fatigue, etc....
fight the good fight folks, and I'll try to be on more!
hobbz
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