Malcontent

I'm in a flare from hell, which has me honestly raging against this fricking disease! I try so hard to keep perspective, but right now my only thought is how exhausted I am from hurting and exhaustion...lol. I am barely sleeping at all and my legs feel like they are both being crushed AND are in a meat grinder, not to mention my neck and shoulder are hideously painful.

Sometimes I just want it all to go away! How does one keep perspective during a flare???? I just don't know. I know that it will pass at some point, but I'm tired of being 39 and alternating days between using a cane to keep my legs in check and not using the cane because my shoulder is killing me. I hate it I hate it I hate it!

But what can I do, but rant and rave, then suck it up and keep moving. Which I'm going to do, but really i have no choice here. And maybe that's what pisses me off the most. The fact that I have no control in what this disease is going to do, or when it's going to strike. I know there are folks that are much worse off than me, but right now I'm too marred in self-pity to care. yikes there's a statement!

so here I sit....frustrated and angry...and exhausted, and in pain...and fighting to not give up hope.

chronic pain and illness is constantly there no matter what....how does one finally come to terms with that? I go through periods where I think I've accepted my situation and I've laid all these feelings to rest. Maybe that is the problem....I expect to be able to lay it to rest, and not feel crappy about it anymore. Looking at that in type, it dawns on me that my expectations are warped...go figure. I need to find a way to accept that things WILL indeed suck in times of flares/pain/exhaustion....I'm just not sure how to do that just yet.

i'll keep you posted on that one.

hobbz

must sleep

So, it's 4 a.m. and I still haven't fallen asleep. ACK. My body will not sleep and is wracking my muscles with pain! I also suffer from restless legs syndrome, but tonight has been like my whole body can't stay still. I feel like I'm going frickin crazy!!!!!!!! I've tried breathing, reading, listening to music, listening to gregorian chants, hot shower, more breathing, flipping and flopping...and now I'm surfing the net.

God I hate this disease!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is going to suck! eeerrrrr that is to say today is going to suck...since my son gets up at 6 a.m.....wish me luck

hobbz

My week off has come and gone already...sigh

My week off was truly wonderful!!!!!! The days seem to just fly by when you don't have to work. I felt like I accomplished alot, but I did pay for it some, and spent the following week using a cane. The culprit was pruning those damn lilac bushes...it sent my back and hip over the edge. I know my neighbors must think I'm crazy, with the sporadic bouts with a cane. "does she use a cane or not????" lol

As usual I was very aware of how much better I feel when I'm not working. I took half the pain meds I normally do, and I felt like I could rest when necessary and still have time for all the house stuff. It sends me right back into the dilemma of to why am I working? Outside of needing to support myself of course *grin*

I go thru this debate about every six months...and I just don't think there is a "right" answer on this one. So for right now I'm just continuing on as I have been and hoping that if the time comes where I need to quit...we will be in a financial situation that would make that feasible. My husband is so incredibly supportive of me no matter what and that really helps. My job flexibility is key too. If I didn't have the opportunity to work from home when I need to, I wouldn't be able to work at all...so really right now I guess I have the best of both worlds...hmmm never satisfied???? I don't know.

So the weather is still amazing and I've been able to hang up my cane for the time being so I've tried to continue to walk and keep working at moving, without overdoing it. Progress? you ask??? just maybe.....lol

hobbz

Spring has finally arrived

Spring has definitely sprung, here in Anchorage, Alaska... and that makes it just a little more difficult to focus on blogging. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. We are gaining more and more light by the day and it makes such a huge difference on how I feel. Not to mention the fact that it's amazing to be able to get out into the sunshine and be outside.

In terms of the fibro...life is so-so at this point. It's 4a.m. and I've yet to fall asleep tonight, and that is pretty much par for the course for my last couple of weeks. I got all ambitious yesterday and pruned a whole 2 bushes and now is my body ever feeling it. My back is a mess and my neck and shoulders are so tight I've developed one whopping headache. I have to say that it's waaaay frustrating that such a simple task takes such a huge toll on the body.

I have this whole week off from work and my plan is to focus specifically on my physical and mental health. I'm going to start walking daily and try to lose some of these nagging pounds that are weighing me down, I'm going to check in at our local YMCA as well and maybe try some swimming since it's non-weight bearing I'm hoping it will help me not feel quite so much pain after working out.

My focus of late has very much been on self improvement, which I think is why I've shied away from blogging. I've been doing a lot of work around improving my self image and defining who I am, separate from being a wife, mother, employee, etc. This has proven to be a challenging journey, as I've found that I really don't like myself all that much. In turn I tend to beat myself up for not living up to my unrealistic expectations. Obviously being a fibromite this doesn't work in my favor...sooooo....I'm taking the steps necessary to change my old thinking patterns and I'm trying to replace them with healthy realistic tapes to play in my head.

I've spent a huge amount of time looking at what fms takes away from my life...I'm really at a point where I'd like to live life within my limitations, IN SPITE OF MY fms. Wow what a concept that is? I've always hoped, (when going thru difficult times) that this time I'll get it, and then I'll be done with self-discovery, and self-improvement. Reality is, however, that this life is a journey and I need to understand that I'll never just get "it" and be done...I'll always be in a state of flux and that's ok. It doesn't make me flawed, it just makes me human.

So my flawed self and I are trying to branch out and try new things. I've used my fibro as an excuse to hide from new things and experiencing life for too many months now. As long as I work within my bodies limitations I should be able to try and do all the things I've always loved and wanted to do. Just because I can't do a several day hiking/camping trip...doesn't mean I can't do easy hikes in town or short hikes close to town until my body builds up some stamina. My doctor has advised me that initially when a fibromite starts doing physical things the pain and punishment afterwards is quite bad, but, ...IF one can get past that period, the physical activities actually improve the pain and fatigue that accompany us day to day. So I'm going to give it a try and see how it works. I have a week to recover from any pain that I may inflict upon myself, right? lol

The key for me is to go slow and build up to things. I have a tendency to jump out there and try to do what I used to be able to do, and then get discouraged when that doesn't work. (notice I didn't use the word "fail") lol. So "baby steps" is the motto for this week. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

It all needs to begin, however with some sleep! So I'm off to stare at the ceiling some more and see if I can't get a few winks before my son is up and getting ready for school.

I love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hobbz

Ups and Downs

It's definitely been a week of ups and downs. My FMS has kinda settled down since my last post, but now I'm preparing to throw it into flux again..."preparing" u ask? Voluntarily you ask? Why? Well my husband and I have decided to try and get pregnant. Part of that, means weaning off some of my meds., the ones i'm most scared of not having is my pain meds. Ack! I'm not quite sure how to get thru a year with no pain meds. Has anyone else out there been in this situation? What did you do? I would greatly appreciate any input that you may have to offer.

Gladly though, other than being more tired than usual, my symptoms seem to be in a relatively goods spot right now. I of course, hesitate to write that for fear that I've now just jinxed myself...lol

I hope all is well with everyone out there and appreciate any advice/experience you might have to offer with regards to pregnancy, fms, and medication.

hobbz

It's the weekend!!!!!!!

So it's the weekend, and I promised to write...did anyone notice it's a week late? lol probably not. In all honesty it's been a week from hell and my body is waging a revolution in response to it. Such is life though.

In recent months I've come to realize that the whole idea of going it in the world alone, is waaay over rated....ok you can stop laughing now....no really....stop....I'm serious. All my life I've preached the virtues of existing in this universe in a truly solo adventure. I've never been a big fan of religion (under statement of all time), and have believed that Those who rely on an outside force for peace and serenity are somehow weak or "less than"....

Well alert the media folks....Hobbz is officially declaring that I just might have been wrong in this viewpoint. Yikes. *insert slap to the forehead with a 2x4 here*

In the last few years I've been on a personal journey of sorts that was somewhat egged on by my diagnosis of fibromyalgia...but in fact was in no way related to it. (I'm really struggling with how to word all this so bare with me on this one). I've come to accept the fact that there is a power that is much greater than myself at work out there. I don't know what it is....and don't frankly care for the word "god", but the beauty of it is...that I can define that force any way I choose and it doesn't affect anyone else one bit. This all came to light for me this week, and I was able to see quite clearly what happens when I lose this focus, when I suddenly found myself in a familiar, all be it old family crisis pattern, that I thought I had "conquered" for lack of a better word.

One thing that those of us with chronic conditions learn quite quickly is that when we fail to take care of our own needs first, and put ourselves in situations that are straining and difficult, we pay quite dearly for these actions. My fibro doesn't care what's going on outside my body, it simply rears it's evil head in response to the actions I choose to drag my body/mind through. I thought I had a pretty good handle on this concept until this week. When I was thrust into this old crisis situation, I worked really hard at focusing on what was healthy for me and did pretty good....initially. Somewhere along the way however, I lapsed into the insanity of old, and forgot that I DO indeed have choices on where I journey in spirit and mind.

It took a very dear person to bring me back to reality and show me that regardless of the chaos that may exist around me, beside me, on top of me, or just in my general vicinity...I have the ability to STILL put me FIRST....and not only do I have that ability but I have an obligation to myself and my immediate family to keep this perspective forefront in my mind.

I no longer have to fix the crisis, or live with the crisis or even worry about the crisis. I have this amazing force of love and acceptance around me 24/7 that lets me know I'm not alone even when I make stupid decisions or choices. There's a great deal of comfort in not just knowing that, but actually feeling it!

For those that know me in the real world this will probably sound very strange coming from me. Heck I think it's bizarre that I am even acknowledging these revelations to the outside world....but fact is...it's made a huge difference in how I live day by day with fibromyalgia. This disease will suck me dry if I don't learn to put down all these things I thought I had to be responsible for, and just for once...start being responsible for my own health and well being.

I will never be a religious person, but I've always considered myself to be quite spiritual. I'm glad that fibromyalgia pushed me in the direction of finding a power greater than myself that supports me and loves me unconditionally. I've never had that before, and it's getting me through this week from hell. Has the family situation changed? Not one bit...in fact the crap continues, but it doesn't matter. I have a loving husband, and son, and extended family that supported me all the way. More importantly though I had myself and that extra force to guide me through the darkest moments.

So as I sit here, dead dog tired, aching from head to toe (i even think my hair hurts today)...I once would have been quite miserable...but I know that while this moment sucks...the next might not...but even if it does I'm not alone....even when nobody is physically here...I'm not alone.

wow what a weight that has been lifted from my shoulders.

(i don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me, because I'm in a fog and just rambling.....but hey I put it out there...so take what you liked and leave the rest)

may this find you all well and feeling loved!

hobbz

Wow back from a break

I've just spent the last couple of weeks relaxing and doing absolutely nothing :) Which is also why I haven't posted anything. It's been spring break for the school kids and our son went to visit the lower 48 so it's been just my husband and I. At one point we were thinking of going to Hawaii, then it was maybe travel in-state, which moved quickly to living it up large here in Anchorage. In reality we hung out at home, read, played video games, and relaxed. It's surprising how fun, doing nothing can be.

So I'm all rested up and will post more later. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm still here. I'll write something more this weekend

until then....