Thursday, July 30, 2009

A change of perspective....

Once again it's been awhile since my last post. I've been, one, enjoying the amazing summer weather we've had this year! It is truly amazing to live in a place as beautiful as Alaska in the summer time. Two, I've been doing alot of self discovery and work on my self image. Actually I think I've actually made some significant headway in this area.

I will be 40 in November and I'm starting to think I'm going through some sort of mid-life crisis, but in a good way...definitely not bad. I've really started to come into my own over the past 3 or 4 months, and it's feeling really amazing! I'm coming to grips with issues that have mired me down for as long as I can remember, and it's lifted an amazing weight off my shoulders.

As far as my fibro is concerned, it is as normal, ever fluctuating. I have a great week and then it's followed by two weeks of pain and fatigue like no other. The thing is though, that I've started to see that I don't have to be defined by my inability to do things. Don't get me wrong, I still get pinnacly frustrated when my body doesn't co-operate, but I've started being easier on myself about it. I still am mourning the loss of my "old" self, but somehow it doesn't seem quite so overwhelming as it has in the past. This my friends is major progress for me, and I'm pretty darn proud of myself! Yea me!

I've joined a gym and have been attending pretty regularly. Of course at first I had huge plans to go everyday and become skinny and buff in no time at all....(duh...will I ever learn? lol). However I'm slowly, ever so slowly learning to give myself a break and go to the gym when it's going to be helpful and not detrimental to my body and well being. I'm still at the point where my body rebels to some extent after a workout, but I am also far enough along into the process that I'm also starting to feel a little bit more energized after each venture into the gym. So I'll keep slugging away and get to my goals when I get there. I have to be careful to not compare the "old" me to the "new" me, and focus on the positives that I'm gaining. Overall however I'm very happy with my progress and new found focus.

I'm so excited to feel like I'm finally climbing out of the hole, that represents all the losses I feel surrounding this stupid disease. I'm to a point where I'm ok with me as I am. My weight is way higher than I'd like, but there is good reason for that and I'm working on it. I can't work the hours or at the intensity that I used to, but now I've found hobbies that are relaxing and fill me up instead of take away from me. I can't hike all the trails I'd like to, but I can spend a day fishing with my husband and be supported for the next two days while I recover. Right now it's pretty good to be me...fibro and all.

Without this disease I don't know if I would have gotten to this realization, I do know that it would have taken me alot longer to get to this point without the fms. I'm happy to be me, and I really don't care what others think. My fibro tattoo has really allowed me to spread awareness to others, and that is so rewarding! I have a new set of friends here in Alaska that I have opened up to, and they understand and support me with the's so cool to have somebody phone just to see how I'm feeling today. I've spent the last 4 years worried about hiding my disease for fear of judgement and now I feel totally empowered to be me...fibro and all...and to not worry about anyone else's opinion. My new motto is "it's none of my business what you think of me"

As long as I'm living my life to the fullest I'm doing good. This disease has challenged me to do this, and now I accept the challenge as opposed to resent it. This is a subtle change in thought....but a huge leap of faith and attitude.

THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE SUPPORTED ME THUS FAR! You know who you are and I'll continue to lean on you...but maybe now, I can be happier and more comfortable with me and my situation.

My name is Jan...and I have what!