Saturday, May 30, 2009

National Fibromyalgia Association: Adjust Your Anger Management Style--Reduce Your Pain

National Fibromyalgia Association: Adjust Your Anger Management Style--Reduce Your Pain

I'm posting this link to an article about how suppressing your anger can lead to not only more fibro pain, but also increased anger....

This article really jumped out at me because I've somewhat subconsciously noticed that my anger has definitely intensified over the last few years. I used to be the most patient person in the world and now I find I live with alot of unresolved anger. Things that would have never bothered me before...can now insight me to great rage. I never really wanted to admit this to myself let alone to the world at large, but it's been a nagging thought in the back of my brain.

Has anyone else experienced this? What do you think of the article? I'd be very excited to hear the perspective of others on this topic


Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I'm in a flare from hell, which has me honestly raging against this fricking disease! I try so hard to keep perspective, but right now my only thought is how exhausted I am from hurting and I am barely sleeping at all and my legs feel like they are both being crushed AND are in a meat grinder, not to mention my neck and shoulder are hideously painful.

Sometimes I just want it all to go away! How does one keep perspective during a flare???? I just don't know. I know that it will pass at some point, but I'm tired of being 39 and alternating days between using a cane to keep my legs in check and not using the cane because my shoulder is killing me. I hate it I hate it I hate it!

But what can I do, but rant and rave, then suck it up and keep moving. Which I'm going to do, but really i have no choice here. And maybe that's what pisses me off the most. The fact that I have no control in what this disease is going to do, or when it's going to strike. I know there are folks that are much worse off than me, but right now I'm too marred in self-pity to care. yikes there's a statement!

so here I sit....frustrated and angry...and exhausted, and in pain...and fighting to not give up hope.

chronic pain and illness is constantly there no matter does one finally come to terms with that? I go through periods where I think I've accepted my situation and I've laid all these feelings to rest. Maybe that is the problem....I expect to be able to lay it to rest, and not feel crappy about it anymore. Looking at that in type, it dawns on me that my expectations are warped...go figure. I need to find a way to accept that things WILL indeed suck in times of flares/pain/exhaustion....I'm just not sure how to do that just yet.

i'll keep you posted on that one.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

must sleep

So, it's 4 a.m. and I still haven't fallen asleep. ACK. My body will not sleep and is wracking my muscles with pain! I also suffer from restless legs syndrome, but tonight has been like my whole body can't stay still. I feel like I'm going frickin crazy!!!!!!!! I've tried breathing, reading, listening to music, listening to gregorian chants, hot shower, more breathing, flipping and flopping...and now I'm surfing the net.

God I hate this disease!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is going to suck! eeerrrrr that is to say today is going to suck...since my son gets up at 6 a.m.....wish me luck


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My week off has come and gone already...sigh

My week off was truly wonderful!!!!!! The days seem to just fly by when you don't have to work. I felt like I accomplished alot, but I did pay for it some, and spent the following week using a cane. The culprit was pruning those damn lilac sent my back and hip over the edge. I know my neighbors must think I'm crazy, with the sporadic bouts with a cane. "does she use a cane or not????" lol

As usual I was very aware of how much better I feel when I'm not working. I took half the pain meds I normally do, and I felt like I could rest when necessary and still have time for all the house stuff. It sends me right back into the dilemma of to why am I working? Outside of needing to support myself of course *grin*

I go thru this debate about every six months...and I just don't think there is a "right" answer on this one. So for right now I'm just continuing on as I have been and hoping that if the time comes where I need to quit...we will be in a financial situation that would make that feasible. My husband is so incredibly supportive of me no matter what and that really helps. My job flexibility is key too. If I didn't have the opportunity to work from home when I need to, I wouldn't be able to work at really right now I guess I have the best of both worlds...hmmm never satisfied???? I don't know.

So the weather is still amazing and I've been able to hang up my cane for the time being so I've tried to continue to walk and keep working at moving, without overdoing it. Progress? you ask??? just


Monday, May 4, 2009

Spring has finally arrived

Spring has definitely sprung, here in Anchorage, Alaska... and that makes it just a little more difficult to focus on blogging. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. We are gaining more and more light by the day and it makes such a huge difference on how I feel. Not to mention the fact that it's amazing to be able to get out into the sunshine and be outside.

In terms of the is so-so at this point. It's 4a.m. and I've yet to fall asleep tonight, and that is pretty much par for the course for my last couple of weeks. I got all ambitious yesterday and pruned a whole 2 bushes and now is my body ever feeling it. My back is a mess and my neck and shoulders are so tight I've developed one whopping headache. I have to say that it's waaaay frustrating that such a simple task takes such a huge toll on the body.

I have this whole week off from work and my plan is to focus specifically on my physical and mental health. I'm going to start walking daily and try to lose some of these nagging pounds that are weighing me down, I'm going to check in at our local YMCA as well and maybe try some swimming since it's non-weight bearing I'm hoping it will help me not feel quite so much pain after working out.

My focus of late has very much been on self improvement, which I think is why I've shied away from blogging. I've been doing a lot of work around improving my self image and defining who I am, separate from being a wife, mother, employee, etc. This has proven to be a challenging journey, as I've found that I really don't like myself all that much. In turn I tend to beat myself up for not living up to my unrealistic expectations. Obviously being a fibromite this doesn't work in my favor...sooooo....I'm taking the steps necessary to change my old thinking patterns and I'm trying to replace them with healthy realistic tapes to play in my head.

I've spent a huge amount of time looking at what fms takes away from my life...I'm really at a point where I'd like to live life within my limitations, IN SPITE OF MY fms. Wow what a concept that is? I've always hoped, (when going thru difficult times) that this time I'll get it, and then I'll be done with self-discovery, and self-improvement. Reality is, however, that this life is a journey and I need to understand that I'll never just get "it" and be done...I'll always be in a state of flux and that's ok. It doesn't make me flawed, it just makes me human.

So my flawed self and I are trying to branch out and try new things. I've used my fibro as an excuse to hide from new things and experiencing life for too many months now. As long as I work within my bodies limitations I should be able to try and do all the things I've always loved and wanted to do. Just because I can't do a several day hiking/camping trip...doesn't mean I can't do easy hikes in town or short hikes close to town until my body builds up some stamina. My doctor has advised me that initially when a fibromite starts doing physical things the pain and punishment afterwards is quite bad, but, ...IF one can get past that period, the physical activities actually improve the pain and fatigue that accompany us day to day. So I'm going to give it a try and see how it works. I have a week to recover from any pain that I may inflict upon myself, right? lol

The key for me is to go slow and build up to things. I have a tendency to jump out there and try to do what I used to be able to do, and then get discouraged when that doesn't work. (notice I didn't use the word "fail") lol. So "baby steps" is the motto for this week. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

It all needs to begin, however with some sleep! So I'm off to stare at the ceiling some more and see if I can't get a few winks before my son is up and getting ready for school.

I love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!