Saturday, January 29, 2011

slowly but surely

Things are slowly returning to normal. Working from home is going better than anticipated. I've been able to do an hour in the evening and then about an hour and a half in the mornings, which is working well with the baby in the morning. Just about time that Emma has been up for about 45 min and is ready for some attention and oatmeal, I'm wrapping up my work and can attend to her needs.

My husband is home right now, and that makes a huge difference of course in the morning as he takes care of Emma and I can just focus on work. I sleep less when he is home, because he snores. I've found this past week my fibro has been kind enough to wake me up from midnight until about I'm definitely lacking in the sleep department. Naps have made it back into the schedule. I'd managed to eliminate them for several months and it was easier to sleep at night...but when I get way behind like this, I have no choice but to nap, otherwise my ability to deal with life and those around me is severely impaired.

I've had several migraines over the past 2 weeks which has been miserable. I was quite surprised when I went to pick up the migraine Rx that I've had for several years, to find out that it actually is contra-indicated with 2 of the meds that I've also taken for years. Why is it that the pharmacy is only just flagging this potentially deadly mix???? I'm not impressed to say the least! So luckily, thus far I haven't had any negative effects with my meds, but the flip side is, I'll have to find something else to take for my migraines. sigh. I'm wondering if I get something like ambien or Valium to help me sleep/relax, if that won't curb the migraines. The trick is to just take them as needed and not become dependant on them...that can be a slippery slope, and I don't want to put myself at risk for dependency issues. Man, while I'm soooo grateful for having found meds that improve my quality of gets pretty overwhelming managing them all, and sometimes I feel like I'm 102 yrs old when I look at all the pill bottles that I have in the cupboard....hahahaha

The weather has been pretty warm and stable lately which has helped my fibro pain considerably! yippee, I always support the weather when it cooperates with my body :)

I hope everyone is getting through the dreary months of winter ok. We are gaining over 5 min of sunlight a day at this point, which makes a huge difference in the amount of light we get over the course of a week. Summer in Alaska is as beautiful as it gets! 20 hours of sunlight a day and temperate temperatures...LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.

take good care everyone!


Saturday, January 15, 2011

whew made it thru the last couple of months...

Once again time has sped by at break-neck speed...but the last 2 months have been really crazy and sobering for me. In early December we travelled to San Diego for 10 days and had an amazing was great to be in semi-warm weather again! As soon as I got back I started work, and that was a total disaster. The first week I worked Wed-Fri, and thought I was going to die of exhaustion, from the fibromyalgia and lack of sleep with an 8 month old, but I made it through. Went to work the following Monday and that night came down with the flu/cold from hell! I was sick as a dog for about 9 days. I know that it was a killer bug, but I also know that it was compounded by the fact that I was exhausted from working. During my sick time off of work, it became abundantly clear that I just can't hack working in a conventional job anymore. While I knew this when I originally left the position, I kind of forgot, because I was feeling relatively good, being at home with the baby...and I was only going back for a limited amount of time. Who can't handle a couple months of work...right? Well apparently I can't...and I fricking hate hate hate hate it. It makes me feel so flipping useless, i don't even know how to express it. I know that I'm doing a great job at home and with the kids, but i hate the thought that my body won't let me work if I want to. The lack of control is quite infuriating.
I keep trying to tell myself that there are lots of folks a lot worse off than I, and that for now I really am enjoying being at home with Emma...but there is still that lingering voice that hints that I'm a failure and "less than" everyone else.
I will get over it, and I will accept the fact as it is...but to be honest it just plain sucks ass! I'm an over achiever by nature, and fms certainly has put me in my place. I'm checking into some Internet stuff to make some extra cash...and I've agreed to work 3 hours a day from home, until my boss can find a replacement for me...only because I felt guilty as hell bailing on them like I did.
This new reality's been almost 6 yrs since I was diagnosed and 8 months since I stopped working and I'm still struggling with how this disease takes away from my life. argh. As I'm sure you can tell, I keep trying to tell myself positives...but to be honest right now I think they are a load of crap and I just don't believe at this point I think time is the answer. I need to give myself time to accept what has happened...accept my reality...and realize that I really do enjoy my life as it is today...I just hate this stupid disease. I'm tired of hurting, not sleeping, not being able to handle sound, smells etc...and most of all and I know this sounds weird to folks who don't have a chronic condition, but a big part of me wishes this disease wasn't so invisible so that others could see it and understand at least on some level what I'm dealing with.... we will see what time does for the ego/brain lol