Saturday, November 29, 2008

more of the same

My last post was a vent in frustration, so now today I feel like I should have something prophetic to, nothing is coming. Work has been good, but I've had to spend alot of time at the hospital so it's not the same as working "from home". My health fibro wise has been sporadic. I'm really fighting some hellish stiffness and pain in my neck. I went to see the surgeon and he said it's par for the course and it's probably just because I'm doing more and more. But seriously folks....I'm a slug! I haven't been doing anything I don't normally do. My husband's neck is pain free and he had the surgery the same time as me and had double the work done....what an evil doer he is! lol

I know everyone's different and heals at their own pace...but my neck didn't hurt before why does it hurt knows. My shoulder doesn't hardly hurt at all tho, and that is WONDERBAR! so I guess I shouldn't complain....speaking of complaints, I've been reading alot about gratitude lately and how it helps the soul and body alike. So every night before I go to bed I go through the entire alphabet and come up with one thing I'm grateful for that starts with each letter....and go figure it actually works. Just like it's hard to cry and smile at the same's hard to be bitter and grateful at the same time. Now obviously that's not a rocket science type of discovery, but sometimes I think my head misses the most obvious of things/ I thought I'd throw it out there for folks!

try the alphabet gratitude list each day, or start a gratitude journal and write down 3 things your grateful for each day....see how it works.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

back to routine

This week and next I have to be at work a minimum of 6 hours...and my body/health has gone dramatically downhill. I can't sleep, eat, I hurt everywhere, and I'm just generally frustrated and in a fog. It doesn't seem to matter how short a break I get, the minute I start to feel better (like working from home) I manage to trick myself into believing that I can handle a week of regular work. It's just one week and not necessarily even 8 hours a day. What a joke! Here I am on Thursday home, by 1pm and ready to die. I know I've said the same things over and over, but this just flat out sucks! I feel so incredibly useless, when I realize (for the millionth time)...that I'm a shell of my former self, and really the amount that I can contribute to the world, my family, and my life is a pitifully small amount. It's so defeating!

Maybe I should have a better attitude, but a part of me says "why"! Why? should I feel good about this, and paste a smile on my face when I feel like total ass? Is there a good reason out there? Not right now! People just don't seem to understand how devastating this disease is, and that's a huge part of my frustration. I try to vent or talk to someone and I either get the..."pull yourself up by your boot straps" reaction or I get the " you're so screwed you need to go to counselling" reaction. Surly there's some middle ground somewhere. Most days I handle it well, but weeks like this not only wear my body down, but my mind and inner strength suffer too. Can't I have a bad week and whine, without being condemned????

I know all the warm fuzzy counselling crap....simply put at this moment, I just don't give a "fork"! I'm out of spoons and they seem to be on back order, which means I'm screwed. Reality is I HAVE to go to work, and that means that I WILL feel like poo, and there's no amount of counselling or boot strap pulling that's going to fix it.

Obviously I'm feeling really defeated and down...I just feel like I'm in a no win situation. I know others are worse off for me, and on good days, I can focus on that and be happy...but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and expire.

sorry for the vent.


Saturday, November 1, 2008

A whole extra hour!

This weekend is when we "fall back" and daylight savings time ends for another year. I love when we gain this extra hour, usually because it means one more hour of sleep. yippee! lol

Overall this week has gone pretty well, I'm still dead dog tired though. I was doing some reading this week on fms and how it affects sleep, and I found information on our circadian (know idea how to spell that) rhythm. It mentioned that people with fibro don't have a functioning rhythm in that aspect, which explains why my body is wide awake at 2 a.m., but I can't keep my eyes open at 10 a.m. I think I saw this on a message board somewhere. If I find it again I'll post it here as well, as it was very interesting.

I really don't have much to say today about fibro, which I'll take as a good sign lol and just leave this post at that.

take care all!