Sunday, May 8, 2011

treading water

Lately I've been feeling like I'm treading water, in all aspects of my life.  Maybe even more accurately, swimming against a strong current; as soon as I look at the shore to see my forward progress....I lose all that progress and more.

In terms of my fibro, I seem to be all over the map!  One day I feel empowered and confident enough to psych myself up to no longer hide the disease...and then the next, I feel horribly outcast and want to make it appear as though I'm in a constant happy and healthy state!  I think, at this point in my life I'm feeling like people think I'm lazy or a failure...because I don't work etc.  So I'm hesitant to let them know I'm sick and in pain as I don't want to foster that feeling.  Reality is however, that I can't possibly know what someone else is thinking...AND...there opinion about me is none of my business, and in the grand scheme of things in my life, their opinion is not important!

I seem to go back and forth, back and forth like a pendulum, but I never find the middle ground...I seem to live in the two extremes.  I really really hate the "invisibleness" of this disease!  I struggle with peoples doubts that I am sick, because I look fine.  I could be in horrible pain, and dead dog tired, but those around me don't see it, unless I tell them.  My family of course knows, and can see what I go through, but the outside world really doesn't have a clue.   I perpetuate that doubt, by not being honest about how I feel, so i'm a guilty party in this bizarre dance as well.

I can't quite put my finger on why I struggle so much with sharing how I really feel with folks.  I don't want to be that whiny person, that sounds all dramatic and pathetic, by never being ok....but on the other hand I don't want to continue pretending that all is wonderful in my world when in reality it absolutely isn't.   I also hate making other folks uncomfortable, and I see people struggling with what to say or do, when I mention my fibro.   Again though I'm reminded that your opinion of me is none of my business....argh!!!!!   See even in this post I'm going back and forth, back and wonder I can't keep my behavior consistent.

I want to live in my world with honesty and grace.  I want to be able to honestly share how I am with people without sounding like a drama queen.   I want to share and portray a person to the world, who has a devastatingly difficult disease, but who is managing and still getting by....I want to show that yes, I have horrible horrible days....but I'm still me, and I'm still surviving, and that I'm just as worthwhile as I was before fibro....I just have to take care with my body and my health......

ooooooohhhhhhh to be a capable, confident adult......


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

back into a routine

Well I was gone for 2 weeks to Canada and had an amazing time...came back to a flare, and I was pretty upset about it.   A friend pointed out that at least I was having a flare for a good reason, and that she was in a flare after doing nothing different than being at home.   It all depends upon how you look at things I guess.   Gladly the flare wasn't as bad as some, and I'm pretty much over it :)

Went bowling this weekend and then that night I got all ambitious and scrubbed our tub...wasn't the best decision I have ever made.  Usually I don't do two physical things in one day, but honestly, I didn't even think about it.  The tub was dirty so I jumped in and cleaned it....well my body has ever faithfully reminded me that this was a poor decision.  I'm now plagued with a really sore neck and shoulder.  Sometimes I have to wonder if I'll ever learn hahahaha.

I had something new happen while I was on vacation.  I started having pretty constant pain around one of the trigger points on my lower got to the point where moving from lying to sitting or vice versa, was extremely painful.  As the trip went on of course the muscles around that trigger point became more and more tight and painful.  When I got home my hubby was able to help massage out some of the knots, but now that he is back to work, it has just gone right back to where it was.  I have an area of about a 6-8 inch radius around my trigger point that will send me through the roof if anyone touches it...I've tried heat, cold, showers, stretching etc, but nothing seems to do the trick.   I'm wondering if I'm getting to the point that I may need an injection in that particular trigger point to help ease the pain.  Just one more question for the doc I guess.

hope everyone is doing well....I'm losing my ability to type a coherent thought so I'll save the rest for later...