Sunday, May 8, 2011

treading water

Lately I've been feeling like I'm treading water, in all aspects of my life.  Maybe even more accurately, swimming against a strong current; as soon as I look at the shore to see my forward progress....I lose all that progress and more.

In terms of my fibro, I seem to be all over the map!  One day I feel empowered and confident enough to psych myself up to no longer hide the disease...and then the next, I feel horribly outcast and want to make it appear as though I'm in a constant happy and healthy state!  I think, at this point in my life I'm feeling like people think I'm lazy or a failure...because I don't work etc.  So I'm hesitant to let them know I'm sick and in pain as I don't want to foster that feeling.  Reality is however, that I can't possibly know what someone else is thinking...AND...there opinion about me is none of my business, and in the grand scheme of things in my life, their opinion is not important!

I seem to go back and forth, back and forth like a pendulum, but I never find the middle ground...I seem to live in the two extremes.  I really really hate the "invisibleness" of this disease!  I struggle with peoples doubts that I am sick, because I look fine.  I could be in horrible pain, and dead dog tired, but those around me don't see it, unless I tell them.  My family of course knows, and can see what I go through, but the outside world really doesn't have a clue.   I perpetuate that doubt, by not being honest about how I feel, so i'm a guilty party in this bizarre dance as well.

I can't quite put my finger on why I struggle so much with sharing how I really feel with folks.  I don't want to be that whiny person, that sounds all dramatic and pathetic, by never being ok....but on the other hand I don't want to continue pretending that all is wonderful in my world when in reality it absolutely isn't.   I also hate making other folks uncomfortable, and I see people struggling with what to say or do, when I mention my fibro.   Again though I'm reminded that your opinion of me is none of my business....argh!!!!!   See even in this post I'm going back and forth, back and wonder I can't keep my behavior consistent.

I want to live in my world with honesty and grace.  I want to be able to honestly share how I am with people without sounding like a drama queen.   I want to share and portray a person to the world, who has a devastatingly difficult disease, but who is managing and still getting by....I want to show that yes, I have horrible horrible days....but I'm still me, and I'm still surviving, and that I'm just as worthwhile as I was before fibro....I just have to take care with my body and my health......

ooooooohhhhhhh to be a capable, confident adult......


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