treading water

Lately I've been feeling like I'm treading water, in all aspects of my life.  Maybe even more accurately, swimming against a strong current; as soon as I look at the shore to see my forward progress....I lose all that progress and more.

In terms of my fibro, I seem to be all over the map!  One day I feel empowered and confident enough to psych myself up to no longer hide the disease...and then the next, I feel horribly outcast and want to make it appear as though I'm in a constant happy and healthy state!  I think, at this point in my life I'm feeling like people think I'm lazy or a failure...because I don't work etc.  So I'm hesitant to let them know I'm sick and in pain as I don't want to foster that feeling.  Reality is however, that I can't possibly know what someone else is thinking...AND...there opinion about me is none of my business, and in the grand scheme of things in my life, their opinion is not important!

I seem to go back and forth, back and forth like a pendulum, but I never find the middle ground...I seem to live in the two extremes.  I really really hate the "invisibleness" of this disease!  I struggle with peoples doubts that I am sick, because I look fine.  I could be in horrible pain, and dead dog tired, but those around me don't see it, unless I tell them.  My family of course knows, and can see what I go through, but the outside world really doesn't have a clue.   I perpetuate that doubt, by not being honest about how I feel, so i'm a guilty party in this bizarre dance as well.

I can't quite put my finger on why I struggle so much with sharing how I really feel with folks.  I don't want to be that whiny person, that sounds all dramatic and pathetic, by never being ok....but on the other hand I don't want to continue pretending that all is wonderful in my world when in reality it absolutely isn't.   I also hate making other folks uncomfortable, and I see people struggling with what to say or do, when I mention my fibro.   Again though I'm reminded that your opinion of me is none of my business....argh!!!!!   See even in this post I'm going back and forth, back and forth...no wonder I can't keep my behavior consistent.

I want to live in my world with honesty and grace.  I want to be able to honestly share how I am with people without sounding like a drama queen.   I want to share and portray a person to the world, who has a devastatingly difficult disease, but who is managing and still getting by....I want to show that yes, I have horrible horrible days....but I'm still me, and I'm still surviving, and that I'm just as worthwhile as I was before fibro....I just have to take care with my body and my health......

ooooooohhhhhhh to be a capable, confident adult......


hobbz