So it's the weekend, and I promised to write...did anyone notice it's a week late? lol probably not. In all honesty it's been a week from hell and my body is waging a revolution in response to it. Such is life though.
In recent months I've come to realize that the whole idea of going it in the world alone, is waaay over rated....ok you can stop laughing now....no really....stop....I'm serious. All my life I've preached the virtues of existing in this universe in a truly solo adventure. I've never been a big fan of religion (under statement of all time), and have believed that Those who rely on an outside force for peace and serenity are somehow weak or "less than"....
Well alert the media folks....Hobbz is officially declaring that I just might have been wrong in this viewpoint. Yikes. *insert slap to the forehead with a 2x4 here*
In the last few years I've been on a personal journey of sorts that was somewhat egged on by my diagnosis of fibromyalgia...but in fact was in no way related to it. (I'm really struggling with how to word all this so bare with me on this one). I've come to accept the fact that there is a power that is much greater than myself at work out there. I don't know what it is....and don't frankly care for the word "god", but the beauty of it is...that I can define that force any way I choose and it doesn't affect anyone else one bit. This all came to light for me this week, and I was able to see quite clearly what happens when I lose this focus, when I suddenly found myself in a familiar, all be it old family crisis pattern, that I thought I had "conquered" for lack of a better word.
One thing that those of us with chronic conditions learn quite quickly is that when we fail to take care of our own needs first, and put ourselves in situations that are straining and difficult, we pay quite dearly for these actions. My fibro doesn't care what's going on outside my body, it simply rears it's evil head in response to the actions I choose to drag my body/mind through. I thought I had a pretty good handle on this concept until this week. When I was thrust into this old crisis situation, I worked really hard at focusing on what was healthy for me and did pretty good....initially. Somewhere along the way however, I lapsed into the insanity of old, and forgot that I DO indeed have choices on where I journey in spirit and mind.
It took a very dear person to bring me back to reality and show me that regardless of the chaos that may exist around me, beside me, on top of me, or just in my general vicinity...I have the ability to STILL put me FIRST....and not only do I have that ability but I have an obligation to myself and my immediate family to keep this perspective forefront in my mind.
I no longer have to fix the crisis, or live with the crisis or even worry about the crisis. I have this amazing force of love and acceptance around me 24/7 that lets me know I'm not alone even when I make stupid decisions or choices. There's a great deal of comfort in not just knowing that, but actually feeling it!
For those that know me in the real world this will probably sound very strange coming from me. Heck I think it's bizarre that I am even acknowledging these revelations to the outside world....but fact is...it's made a huge difference in how I live day by day with fibromyalgia. This disease will suck me dry if I don't learn to put down all these things I thought I had to be responsible for, and just for once...start being responsible for my own health and well being.
I will never be a religious person, but I've always considered myself to be quite spiritual. I'm glad that fibromyalgia pushed me in the direction of finding a power greater than myself that supports me and loves me unconditionally. I've never had that before, and it's getting me through this week from hell. Has the family situation changed? Not one bit...in fact the crap continues, but it doesn't matter. I have a loving husband, and son, and extended family that supported me all the way. More importantly though I had myself and that extra force to guide me through the darkest moments.
So as I sit here, dead dog tired, aching from head to toe (i even think my hair hurts today)...I once would have been quite miserable...but I know that while this moment sucks...the next might not...but even if it does I'm not alone....even when nobody is physically here...I'm not alone.
wow what a weight that has been lifted from my shoulders.
(i don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me, because I'm in a fog and just rambling.....but hey I put it out there...so take what you liked and leave the rest)
may this find you all well and feeling loved!