Friday, January 25, 2008

What to do?

I haven't posted in way too long, but I've been wrestling with some pretty major issues, and time just flies by. Unfortunately most of these issues have to do with my fms, so I guess there's no better place to voice them.

First off is my exhaustion level and simple all around fatigue and pain. I took just over a week off over Christmas and I noticed a HUGE difference in how I felt day to day. If I needed to take a pud day and rest it was fine and I got my body back on track relatively quickly. The problem is that I work and can't be on vacation all the time. I noticed right away when I returned to work that I just become more and more exhausted as each day passes and then by the time the weekend arrives, I need to spend the bulk of my 2 days off resting and recouperating....only to start all over on Monday. This takes a toll on my physically of course, but also on me mentally. My tolerance for noise and those unexpected details that come up in daily life. If it were just me at home, I would probably be able to skate by....but the fact is I have a husband and a 12 year old that I'm accountable to and want to share my time and energy with. When I'm exhausted and in pain, quite frankly I'm bitchy and that isn't working well in our household. My fms is the big elephant in the room that everyone is trying to side-step around. So the question here is....what are my options. Well I could cut back on my hours at wait I've already done that, and I need the health insurance. I could spend my time home in my room and keep my family insulated from my poor health and subsequent poor attitude.....nope that's not much of a way for any of us to live. So the only other thing I can come up with is to quit my job....but is that feasible? nope not really! We need the dual income, and we're stretched waaaaay thin with finances as it stands folks......what's the answer???? I just don't know! I feel so crappy about the situation that my illness puts us in and when I'm tired and hurting....that guilt is amplified to the max. I guess I don't have an answer yet ---- but my husband and I are working on trying to maybe, just possibly, on an outside chance.....of finding an answer that works for our family.......i'll keep you posted on that one.

So the second issue follows very closely on issue number one's heels. Quite frankly it's all so very convoluted and fuzzy. Hmmmmm kinda sounds like fms itself...."convoluted and fuzzy" lol
lol lol lol. Logistically trying to figure out the physical details of our dilemma is one thing; however just the same as my feelings are all over the are the feelings of my husband, and 12 year old son. My husband feels helpless because he can't ease the disease, not to mention the fact that he too is justifiably angry with how the disease has changed me. Our 12 year old too, is angry and tired of fms.....and he feels responsible for my symptoms. So where is the magic balancing point on this teeter-totter of disease. I need to share with both of these guys, when I need to take a break and explain that's it's simply the disease doing what it does. None of us have control over it, or can make it better or worse. The problem is that I feel like we're constantly talking about it and our life is centered around the disease.

Reading over this last paragraph, I'm frustrated because I don't feel like I'm finding the right words to express how I feel.....or more importantly how the guys in my life feel. I know I need to name the disease when I'm having symptoms to clarify that it's not ME personally or THEM personally that are having a negative influence on how I feel....but at the same time it feels like that's all the time! I guess at this point all I can do is rest when I need to and not try to be the huge over achiever that I've always been. Maybe just shooting for some normalcy is all I should focus on right now. I just don't know.

sorry B.....sorry L.....
I wish you guys didn't have to deal with this!


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