Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Better sharpen that knife there doc!

So yup, you guessed it...surgery it is for me! The doctor wants me to have the surgery next week, however as our crazy life would dictate, my husband is having the exact same surgery except his injury includes several discs, on July 21st....soooooo....I'm probably going to have surgery the week after him, if we can swing it.

Now the intellectual, trying to keep perspective me, says "go with the flow, don't fight what you can't change" "it is what it is"....but WTF did I do in a previous life to deserve this crap???? I really need to vent for a minute here. I'm trying my best to slog through every crappy ass day with the fibromyalgia, even trying to change it into something positive in my life...but it feels like I just keep getting shit upon! My husband included. Every time we get to a point that we feel like we've made it through the crisis and our heads are above water, some sick s.o.b. decides to throw another wrench in the works and back to drowning we go! Isn't it enough that one of us has to have surgery? Apparently not! We both need to have it, and we're not talking a minor scrape or cut...we're talking spinal cords here. Man this sucks! Not exactly what I envisioned my life being...I'm totally aware that life is nothing but ups and downs...but I'm done with being sick and injured and broken and in need of 65 medications, while seeing 3 different doctors and trying to juggle all these appts and meds and work and marriage and parenthood and oh ya squeeze a life somewhere in there, when my fibro allows.

I know I'm just being bitter, but I think I'm allowed to vent and feel sorry for myself for one night before I suck it up and deal with the shit hand I've been dealt. Where can I vent if not here? I wanted to show what it's like to live with a chronic illness, well it sucks, not because my life is anymore difficult than anyone else's, but because I have the same trials and tribulations on top of feeling completely beat. You win life! I give....."uncle" I say...."uncle".

Argh...this is so frustrating! Now I run the gauntlet of letting everyone know what's going on, and I just am not up to it right now. This sounds totally perverse, but I was looking forward to being able to help my husband with his recovery, and in some tiny way, pay him back for all the times, he's helped me with my fibro, which, let's face it...is daily. Now I'll be available for a week and then we'll be commiserating together....If it's not one thing it's another.

So what now???? I suck it up and turn to all the tools that I've learned to deal with this crap! I focus on living in this moment, and this moment only. I'm not doing anyone any good by getting caught up in the past or the future. I also need to just let it go. "it is what it is" and nothing more than that....sigh.....sigh.....deep breath...sigh....ok...so that's just what I'll do.

Reading this, I sound like I have multiple personalities....and partly I do. There's that part of me that is soooo resentful at being sick, I just wanna scream....but the other part of me that knows I have to survive, tells me to just get over it and move forward.....
Maybe another night of no sleep will help me get better perspective....lmao...yes that's a statement oooozing with sarcasm...

I'm just gonna shut up now....and go focus on something else....I wish I had something better to offer, but here is where I am....and that also, is what it is.....

hobbz

2 comments:

Donimo said...

OKay, I'm new here to your blog, but I in no way new to Fibro or having chronic pain (I'm going on 25 years now), and I can say that I don't think you're being sorry for yourself or being unreasonable. It DOES suck and it is harder than living life's up's and down's without a chronic illness. Personally, I think it does help to vent and be real and this happens over and over with chronic illness. It isn't a matter of venting once or twice and then that's all you get before you have to just shut up and cope.

I see how it seems very overwhelming right now to face your own surgery, let alone your husband's as well. Man, do they have to schedule them so close? Will your insurance cover any home support for the two of you? My thoughts are with you as you go one day at a time...

hobbz said...

It's nice to hear someone else's perspective and to know that I don't just sound like a complainer...thanks for tuning in!