Thursday, August 21, 2008

crappy/scrappy

I'm feeling pretty crappy today, which follows right into scrappy. Do you ever feel like you are just not getting anywhere? That's me. I'm healing and on the road to recovery...yes...but it's brought up all the old problems that I try to pretend don't exist in my life.

Number one on that list is (drum roll please)....employment. Since I started writing this blog it's been a huge issue for me. I know that being employed only fuels my fibromyalgia, and then in turn adds to my inability to cope with life...which then adds tons of stress to my family. I'm so fucking sick of know that I SHOULD NOT be working, yet understanding that I have NO CHOICE! What am I supposed to do?

This is such a touchy subject that nobody, and I mean nobody wants to deal with it, which makes it really hard for me to find a place to vent or discuss or anything, for that matter. There are those that believe that I'm making this into a bigger situation than it is...but I chalk that up to them never having lived with me, and my fms. Another big factor is that if I'm not working, I have to find a way to keep myself occupied, so I don't get mired down into the pit of "oh poor me". There's a fine line between staying social and active, and working your ass off in spite of how totally horrible you are feeling.

This just sucks, no matter how you look at it. I've been off work for 5 weeks and have to go back next Tuesday. The last week for me has been a living hell of a flare and I've barely made it through each day, without work. I'm dead dog exhausted and in more pain than I care to admit and now I'm going to add a 6 hour day of work each day???? Does this make sense? NO!...but what choice do I have. If I don't work that means my husband would have to work 2 jobs to make up for the lack of income....how fair is that? Not! So really I'm fucked...I have very few resources, and nobody in my immediate life who truly understands my fear, frustration, heartache, guilt etc....people try but unless you live it, you don't get it.

At this point I just want to scream...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...and then go hide in bed (unfortunately that isn't an option).

I can't go back, I dread going back....I'd rather poke myself in my eye with a blunt rusty object than go back.....but......i'll go back.

crap! hobbz

3 comments:

Donimo said...

I live it and, to the extent that our experiences overlap, I get it. I'm on disability because I'm not able to work and, though it's a mental battle to deal with the guilt or esteem stuff this brings up, I know I couldn't make it through life any other way. I hear you about not having a choice. Damn.

I wish you strength and an understanding workspace.

Donimo said...

Hey, considering that times are tough, maybe you could use a laugh or two. I notice that you have my BOdy of Work blog posted in your blogroll (thanks!!!) and I can't remember if you've checked out my chronic illness humour blog. Yes, it is about having chronic pain and illness and it's funny! It can be done. Off and on. You know. Anyway, I think it might provide a moment or two of laughter combined with connection (use it at home or work!).

Check out

www.chronicholiday.blogspot.com

hobbz said...

Thanks Donimo...ur the best!