Saturday, August 30, 2008

in response to comments

You know it's weird how you experience something and just assume it's normal until you talk to someone else and find out that indeed it's not normal. I don't know how long I had this disease before my 2005 diagnosis, but it was at least for 2-3 years. I couldn't figure out why I ALWAYS felt like I was getting sick. You know that day before you get the full blown flu???? that's how I always felt. On top of that I was exhausted all the time. I chalked it up to working shift work, but reality is I've never worked anything but shift work so my body was used to that. Then there was/is the pain....constant and never ending. When Cinders and Jasmine mentioned growing pains in their last struck me that I too had horrible growing pains as a child. I know it's normal for kids to go through growing pains....but I definitely think that alot of my symptoms were present way back in childhood.

It's such a difficult disease to figure out and pinpoint since they don't know what triggers it, or how to track just is what it is...and that is quite nebulous. It's not an easy one that is for sure.

I've been back at work now for 4 days, and it's been a huge roller coaster. My first day went not too bad, but then I woke up the 2nd day with a full blown migraine and tossed my cookies about 5 times before I even left the house. I couldn't rightly call in my 2nd day back after 5 weeks off, so I slogged through the day with many trips to the restroom...ick. By the third day it was total exhaustion, and a feeling like I'd never get ahead. My husband and I finally decided that I need to quit and take some time off, and hopefully get my health back on track. So then I was quite elated as we'd finally made the decision that we've been struggling with for almost a year now...then Friday came. It also happened to be the day of my annual review. I went into the meeting with the full intention of letting my boss know that I'm seriously working towards not working (if that makes sense)...but then....she gave me this glowing review and talked on and on about how she counts on me and me only to implement this new computer system we're getting and how I'm her "right-hand man" and she doesn't know what she'd do without me. Yikes. While I'm ecstatic that she thinks so highly of I feel totally guilty for planning to quit. The only glitch on my review was my attendance. I've missed 11 days (not counting time off for surgery) since Jan.1,2008. All of which were either fibro...or my son being home from school, which I think only accounts for 2 days. I told her that my husband and I are working on that, but didn't have the heart to say anything further. ACK. I know I have to take care of me and my family, but I really do want to be working and growing as an individual and it's tough to give that up when I'm getting such good feedback.

so what now???? I go to work on Monday...and then we'll just take it day by day.....argh....this is a really tough one! Any thoughts out there?



Donimo said...

So, these are just thoughts and don't contain an undertone of "should," ok? When I read that you were "quite elated" by the decision you've been struggling with for so long, it seemed to me like that was a reaction born of relief and knowing really clearly that it was right. You didn't feel depressed or defeated after making the decision. The rightness seemed to shine through in your comments. I would gently suggest that you know the "right decision" and that your work place will have to manage without you.

Just my two cents!

hobbz said...

How True that is! I very much agree with what you've said donimo! It took only a little while back at work on Monday to realize that I just should not be working at this point. So as soon as my husband is back at work, I'll be giving my notice. I'm now more comfortable with this decision than ever.
I'll take your two cents and raise you two