Sunday, October 5, 2008

5 more days

Only 5 more days of working in the hospital and then it will be working from home in my totally cannot wait. It's like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I'm so confident that this is the right decision, it's not very often I have this level of peace with a big life altering decision. It's even to the point that it doesn't bother me when others (who don't understand) aren't supportive.

It's funny how people get stuck in a way of thinking about you, and even when you have changed they still see you as someone you were a long time ago. I'm not saying this with any judgement, because I've been guilty of it many times myself...I just find it interesting, is all. I've had comments like you don't want to leave work, because they'll forget who you reference to the fact that I'm 38yrs old and my focus should be on career right now. If it weren't for fibromyalgia, that is where my focus would be...but in many respects I'm thankful that I've been forced to look at my life and how I view "success" in a different light. There are others who feel that I've set myself up for days of wallowing in pain and self pity, but honestly I don't see it happening. I have so many plans, and I will STILL be working, all that's changing is my ability to take care of my physical needs better....woot woot.

Only time will tell, if this has been the right decision, but in the end, it will only matter to me, my husband, and my son. Everybody else's opinion is simply that, an opinion. Going through this most difficult decision process has really opened my eyes to what's important in life, and who and what really matters to me, when you cut out all the bullshit. I know that peoples varied reactions are based out of fear, and ignorance and I have to just let that be what it is. It's not my job to make others feel ok about my decision, the only job I can take on is to help educate them on how it really is day to day, living with this disease, and hope that their awareness and understanding improves.

I know that both my husband and I have really felt better about how we feel about the disease when we read the comments that are posted...or the blogs that I have listed. It's allowed us to feel "normal" again, and not so isolated by this hellish disease. It takes away EVERYTHING that you have, but now we know that we are NOT alone and are thinking ISN'T distorted. What we are going through is normal and there are others out there that have the same struggles and understand our pain....without that knowledge and support I shudder to think where we'd be today????

thanks all!



Donimo said...

Can I just say how wise you are? You've gone through an amazing process around this and your personal growth and strength just shines through. I don't mean to sound flippant or over-the-top, but I really know how damn hard it is to go against what we've been told is the "right" way to live: that constant pushing coupled with a certain prescribed route that everyone's lives (careers etc.) should take. You (and your husband) have done a loving and healthy thing. Your letting go of guilt is a beacon for others who struggle with being true to themselves. In this short blog entry you've touched on so many of the deep, complicated personal and social issues that people with chronic pain face.

I know it won't be a walk in the park emotionally or that you won't struggle with guilt or anger or impatience with others at times; but the two of you have set out on this new path with such clarity and care that I think you'll be well grounded when dealing with the ups and downs.


Cinders said...

I admire you for taking the decision over work that you have. You're right that when we live with this awful illness we need to prioritise. to me my family is most important and I save myself for them.
You said some very wise words in your post. I'm also glad I've found other FM sufferers on line and through blogs. It makes me feel 'normal' some how as I know I'm not alone. Theres still a part of me tha t sometimes wonders if I'm making it all up and am doing all this to myself. i know I'm not but you do get nagging doubts sometimes.