Thursday, November 13, 2008

back to routine

This week and next I have to be at work a minimum of 6 hours...and my body/health has gone dramatically downhill. I can't sleep, eat, I hurt everywhere, and I'm just generally frustrated and in a fog. It doesn't seem to matter how short a break I get, the minute I start to feel better (like working from home) I manage to trick myself into believing that I can handle a week of regular work. It's just one week and not necessarily even 8 hours a day. What a joke! Here I am on Thursday home, by 1pm and ready to die. I know I've said the same things over and over, but this just flat out sucks! I feel so incredibly useless, when I realize (for the millionth time)...that I'm a shell of my former self, and really the amount that I can contribute to the world, my family, and my life is a pitifully small amount. It's so defeating!

Maybe I should have a better attitude, but a part of me says "why"! Why? should I feel good about this, and paste a smile on my face when I feel like total ass? Is there a good reason out there? Not right now! People just don't seem to understand how devastating this disease is, and that's a huge part of my frustration. I try to vent or talk to someone and I either get the..."pull yourself up by your boot straps" reaction or I get the " you're so screwed you need to go to counselling" reaction. Surly there's some middle ground somewhere. Most days I handle it well, but weeks like this not only wear my body down, but my mind and inner strength suffer too. Can't I have a bad week and whine, without being condemned????

I know all the warm fuzzy counselling crap....simply put at this moment, I just don't give a "fork"! I'm out of spoons and they seem to be on back order, which means I'm screwed. Reality is I HAVE to go to work, and that means that I WILL feel like poo, and there's no amount of counselling or boot strap pulling that's going to fix it.

Obviously I'm feeling really defeated and down...I just feel like I'm in a no win situation. I know others are worse off for me, and on good days, I can focus on that and be happy...but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and expire.

sorry for the vent.



Barbara K. said...

If we couldn't vent, we'd explode. I had some days with my pain condition when I shrieked "No!" into a pillow every time I had a break.

Diane J Standiford said...

Barbara stole my opener. Vent away. Your blog. Vents help the ret of us slobs feel ok about not feeling ok. OK?