flare is waning

well my flare from hell is starting to ease up...but still I'm so sore from my muscles being so tense, that I feel like I was hit repeatedly by a mack truck. I had a few days of overwhelming exhaustion, where getting out of bed and taking care of my 9mo old seemed monumental. As all things, flares don't last forever and this one has eased up considerably...yay time!

I got an Rx for a muscle relaxant and that eased the tension in my muscles a great deal...I think from now on at the beginning of a flare I'm going to get on muscle relaxers right away with hopes on staving off the worst of the muscle pain.

I've been thinking of self-esteem/confidence a lot lately, and even chatted with some other fibro sufferers today about it. I find it rather interesting how deeply this aspect of my life is affected by my disease. We came to the conclusion today, that a lot of the low self-esteem has to do with the ongoing guilt that we feel. I feel guilty for not working, for not being there wholly for my kids...for taking away from my husband, for not being the person I used to, for having to cancel plans all the time....seriously this list could go on for pages. One chat friend noted that "guilt" should be listed under symptoms of fibromyalgia...hahahaha. But why this crazy self-esteem breaking guilt? For me, I think it's partly due to the inherent underlying belief in our society that one must be an over-achieving, workaholic, pta going parent or we are failing somehow. I've been the over-achiever...I've done the work several jobs until you drop...and did it ever make me a better person???? In my humble opinion...NO! Still somehow I feel the judgement of others in this respect on an almost daily basis. The well meant, however misguided comments, like...."oh I don't have time to be sick"..."if you were more active you would feel better"..."you were fine yesterday, therefore...."..."how come you have so many sick days"..."must be nice to stay in bed so much"...." i wish I could nap everyday"....these statements have that underlying doubt, that you just somehow are lazy or your're not putting in the same effort as everyone else. I'm the one that gives these statements power, by listening to them, but sometimes it's hard not to. I know my reality and I know how toast I am after a day of work...so much so that I can't even spend the evening with my family. I have a new "normal" now, and it involves taking care of myself so that the fibro doesn't take over. People can't see the disease or the disability so somehow it doesn't really exist to them...

On the flip side I contribute to this doubt by pretending that all is well, when talking to or spending time with family and friends. I've seen the uncomfortable looks and endured the stuttering, blundering responses...to my statements that today just isn't a good fibro day....so to save them the uncomfortableness of it...and more importantly to save me the frustration of not being understood or supported, it has somehow become easier to pretend that I'm fine. The reality is tho, that this is NOT the easier route for me...I do have fibro, and there isn't an hour a day...any day, where I'm not reminded of this by my body. I''m never pain free...I just have ok days and not so ok days...so I build up this unspoken resentment towards those I feel the need to act for. How F'd up is that? I'm building a resentment towards them...because of a behavior I have chosen....yikes.

I guess the conclusion is....that if I want to be true to me, I need to be upfront and honest about how I'm feeling at any given moment. Not whine...but be honest. This is the most respectful route for myself and those I love. Even if someone is uncomfortable around me, then I have to remember that that is their issue not mine...all I can do is allow them the space they need, or give them the info they desire to feel a little less uncomfortable.....

not sure if any of that makes sense, or if I'm just rambling...but that's kinda where I'm at right now.

may you all be, kind, honest, loving, and patient with those around you and especially yourselves!!!!

hobbz