Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A-N-X-I-E-T-Y

ANXIETY is the word that haunts me today and the past week plus.  I've been waking up with overwhelming anxiety and I'm not sure why.  Today I have 2 appts. and I feel like I'm about to walk in front of a firing line....by night when the day is done, I feel not too bad...but until baby is in bed and I'm sitting quietly on the couch I'm stressed.
Part of my stress right now is worrying about my health and ability to function when my husband is away 2 weeks a month.  As you know I recently went through a really bad flare, and now it seems I'm paralyzed with fear that this will happen again.  It happened when my husband was gone and I got through, but the experience was less than pleasant and I'm so worried about it happening again.  I know that it will, and when it does, I'll get through...but convincing my emotions to accept this logic is proving difficult.
A friend suggested I see my doc about anxiety meds...and yes I agree, I probably should, but even that terrifies me.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself and not invoke unfounded judgement...but part of me is so frustrated with how I'm feeling right now.  It used to be so easy...and now i feel like a pile of goo...and I hate it!  i see my attitude slowly declining lately and I can't seem to reel it back in...maybe I just need to go through this and get to the other side.

this too shall pass
one day (moment) at a time
what doesn't kill us makes us stronger
it's ok to be where you are
you are not your disease

I agree with all of these...however at the moment I'm struggling to believe them and accept them.  I'm like a toddler kicking and screaming on the floor.  I don't wanna be sick...I don't wanna be sick!  I run all of this through my head a thousand times at day...which it just dawned on me, might be contributing to the anxiety level.....
All I have to do is get through this next minute...

hobbz

6 comments:

Sherlock said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this along with everything else. I've always been a high anxiety person. I treat it with low level anti-depressants and then when I have acute instances, good old valium. It's the only thing that keeps me from imploding sometimes :-) Good luck with everything.

hobbz said...

thanks Sherlock...I'm considering asking for some valium at this point too...I also take anti depressants....

Michelle said...

I hear you loud and clear. It seems everything in our lives is amplified by this awful (not the word I wanted to use) disease. Just in the past few weeks I have "heard" of many who do not lean on the pharmaceutical aspect of help for our disease. Well, I do and I am NOT ashamed to admit. I barely get through the day with the help. I don't want to imagine life without. To me, many see a stigma when we have to lean on things other than ourselves. I don't. I see it as being able to enjoy my children when they come home from school. Do what it takes to make you feel happy and anxiety free, hobbz. If anyone questions you, so be it. They don't truly understand the magnitude of our decisions.

weneego said...

it sounds challenging to me to have a baby and a chronic illness and work etc. sometimes just having a chronic illness alone causes anxiety. be kind and gentle with yourself when you get frustrated. i'm like sherlock i do what i can and when i can't manage it anymore i turn to ativan. the relief from my anxiety also causes relief from my flares...

hobbz said...

so true Waneego! thanks for the kind words...what a simple concept...be kind to yourself...sometimes that's a tough one to remember

lumin smith said...

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may intensify depending on the time of day -- morning, late afternoon, and evening tend to be the worst times. Symptoms may also get worse with fatigue, tension, inactivity, changes in the weather, cold or drafty conditions, overexertion, hormonal fluctuations (such as just before your period or during menopause), stress, depression, or other emotional factors.