Tuesday, March 15, 2011

new week...new symptoms

So the anxiety of last week has lessened and now I'm into a no sleeping phase of fibromyalgia.  I go through these periods frequently...sometimes it's just a couple nights where sleep eludes me and other times it can drag on for days/weeks.  I'm hoping this stint of no sleep is a short one.  To make matters worse, my daughter too has decided that she needs to get up 2-3 times a night...and not just for a bottle, but to hang out for an hour or two.  So I'm up with her, and then when I get her down, my body won't sleep.

It is the most bizarre feeling to be totally exhausted and not be able to fall asleep...i just lie there and lie there, but sleep won't come.  I'll read until I can barely keep my eyes open, but as soon as I turn out that light, sleep will not come.  My body, however would be more than happy to sleep all day long.  I've heard several folks with fms say that they can't sleep at night, but can sleep all day.  Yesterday I forced myself to stay awake all day with the hopes that my body would crash with exhaustion last night, but no such luck.  Everything seems harder, bigger, more overwhelming when I'm tired...I'm feel like I'm totally raw.  Last night I was listening to music from my past and I started crying for no reason...that's just me on no sleep.  If I get frustrated, I cry...and just about any little thing can frustrate me.

I also feel like I'm on the verge of getting sick...I have the symptoms of a cold, but not quite if that makes any sense what so ever.  My throat feels like it's on the verge of being sore and my head is on the verge of being congested. I awoke with a migraine....but I hate saying that I am getting sick, because more often than not it's my fibro, and it all goes away without me actually getting sick.  What an evil disease this is...knocks you down and then kicks you while you are down....at least that's what it feels like right now.  I know I shouldn't give human qualities to my fibro, but sometimes it really does feel like the disease has a mind of it's own and it's just f'ing with me.

So on I go, I had such a nice break from the disease when I was pregnant and now I'm remembering what it's like to be back in the trenches with day after day of symptoms.  There aren't really days that are good in terms of no symptoms...there are just days where the symptoms are more easily lived with than others.  This is where I walk a fine line, with becoming too focused on the fibro.  When I do that I lose sight of me, and I let the disease become me...instead of focusing on me, who has fibro.  Does that make sense?  I am NOT my disease, but when I focus too much on the symptoms...I get in this circular spiral that quickly takes me to a dark place where I let the disease have all the power over my life and I feel helpless, and weak, and I get into a poor me kind of state.   I need to find a way to balance the daily struggle that I face, without losing sight that I still have control over my life, and while I can't control the fibro, I CAN control how I manage it, and deal with it on a daily basis....I guess the fact that I'm at least now aware of when I'm slipping, is progress.

so that's my thought for today....hope all of you are having a minor fibro day!



Anonymous said...

Creating a balance and banking energy for the important things is difficult. When we have fewer symptoms, we tend to do too much. One of our boys was a night owl and never needed a lot of sleep. He'd get up for several hours at night. Very early on (before he was 2) we taught him that it was fine to play with toys quietly in his bed or to look at books (actually he was reading by the time he was 3 so that worked out well). It was okay to be awake but he was not to make noise or wake up anyone else. Funny thing -- now he's almost 30 and he still does that! LOL He'll be a night owl all his life I guess.

Hope your symptoms ease up soon. Hope the sleep gets better. I have to take meds to sleep or I'd stay awake for days on end. Unfortunately I can't sleep in the daytime.

Sally said...

Hi, this is my first time here. I, too, suffer from fibromyalgia, and everything you have written I could have written myself. I know what it's like to have other people not understand what we go through because we "don't look sick." (How many many times I have heard that comment!!) I have been in the midst of bad flare for a month now, with no signs of stopping.