So it seems like forever since I've been able to post something, I'm sure you were beginning to wonder where I've been. Well, continuing with my great and "healthy" 2008, I've somehow torn my rotator cuff in my left shoulder. Wow, a whole new definition of pain has been discovered. I've been in absolute torture, which makes me sound really wimpy, but fuck it hurts! I've read lots of stuff on the internet that says, "you make experience discomfort when you lift your arm" or it may hurt to lie down...well let me tell you for the first 5 days I was at the doctor's twice and a massage therapist once, popping narcotics and anti-inflammatory pills and all I could do was pace. There wasn't a single position that wasn't excruciating. So now I'm on my super duper narcotics and I slap a lidocaine patch on for 12 hours and I'm hovering somewhere around not quite bearable. I've never quite experienced anything like it.
The doctor is sure that it's my rotator cuff, but the orthopedists won't accept me as a patient until I "fail physical therapy"....it's taken a week and a half to get a physical therapy appt., which is in 4 hours and I have to go for at least a week maybe two, to determine that it isn't helping. To be quite honest, this is way ridiculous. Just give me the damn MRI and decide whether or not you're going to do surgery! I'm not looking forward to another 3 weeks of this, before maybe, I might, on an outside chance possibly get an appt with a doc who can actually relieve my pain. ick.
So I wanted to rant and let you know I'm still alive, but that's my limit for sitting at the puter....
hobbz
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
bouncing back
So Saturday was awesome and I did my fair share of napping, which was much enjoyed. Sunday however was a total screwed up bust. Suffice it to say that a huge family issue came up, I don't want to get into any details, but suffice it to say, being in a "blended" family, and having to deal with ex-spouses, step-children, etc can really be a challenge. Much to my own shock and horror Sunday was one of those days....and here is how one totally hellish day can go for a fibromite, like myself.
Woke up totally feeling better than I had in several days, since I got caught up on my sleep, luckily. By 10:00 a.m. my world had totally and completely out of the blue, blown up. So like dealing with a major "family" crisis isn't enough...I can slowly feel the pain start creeping into my legs. After a few hours and much pain medication, that pain has become intolerable, but doesn't really matter, cuz I still dutifully have to meet the needs of those who created the crisis. By 4pm I knew I was pretty much going to be screwed for many days. Sleep hasn't come more than about an hour at a time since. My pain on a scale of 0-10 is sitting pretty consistently at an 8 for 3 days now. I got to tell ya, there's not much in life that's more wearing on the soul than chronic pain! I'm in one of those spots, where I just curl up in the fetal position and try to keep things as dark, still, and quiet as possible. How very practical....not!
I've again found that I've really isolated myself in a lot of ways....but I think it's been also a way of insulating others from what I go through regularly. The difference on Sunday is that I actually reached out, asked for help, and found that I have some pretty amazing friends out there, and a brother that is second to none. Not that any of them did anything earth shatteringly big, but they just simply supported me without question. I guess I've created a scenario in my head where I feel like I have to explain myself. They just recognized the situation for what it was and listened to what I had to say.
There's that nebulous point in life, once you've found your significant other, and established a life together....then you (err I) realize that the focus of your whole world and support has shifted ever so slightly, but in a very different direction. Growing up we just know that our parents are always there for us and we don't question. When we become young adults and first marry, we spend time bonding with our spouse and slowly changing that ever important parent/child relationship to one of parent/adult child. Well I have my new immediate family, and we've been together almost 9 years, and I love my husband and son more than anything in the world, and couldn't ask for 2 more committed people to build my life with. ..... yet something of late has shifted and I'm not sure what that is..... it's not good....it's not bad....it's just different.
I'm not sure how to explain what I'm getting at here. I guess it's the fact that in my marriage and with my child, we work very hard together and discuss very openly how we're feeling with each other. On the flip side of the coin, I come from a background, where that kind of openness wasn't there. I always thought that finding your soul mate meant that everything just clicked and problems didn't pose big obstacles.....yes I know I was very Naive....but here's the deal; after having been with my husband for 9 years, we become a stronger couple every single day, and that is in direct correlation with how committed we are to each other as well as our commitment to working out whatever life brings our way.
So on Sunday, when I was in immediate crisis and my husband was 3000 miles away, I had a choice. I could just deal with the situation by myself and wait to hear from him ( which is my automatic default mode), or I could phone a parent and look for support there, but in the end I phoned a friend and then once things had calmed a little I explored the situation with a couple others. This is rambling on and probably sounding really confusing right now, but the important thing I got out of this experience, is that I don't have to be alone AND I don't have to insulate others from my disease (pain).
I have a soul mate second to none, a brother that I can always count on to tell me the truth and support me....and I have created my own independent support system of friends etc that are there for me night or day. For quite a number of years now, I've tried to be really self-sufficient and then only rely on a couple of key individuals to support me in crisis. My life is what I make it...and I by choice (but quite unconsciously) I made my circle too small, there's not alot of support and love that comes from that. By taking chances and risking my intimate emotions and thoughts with others, I've created a support network that I've really come to cherish.
As I type this it dawns on me that that's what "growing up" is all about. I don't know that I fit into the "grown up" category, but I do know that I drew alot of comfort from the knowledge that I wasn't all alone on Sunday. When I said on the phone " I just wanted to know that someone was on my side" the response was ever so simple, yet one of the most powerful I've ever heard "of course I am, where else would I be". I wasn't questioned, I didn't have to justify myself...I was simply believed in. These last few days with my fibro have been a challenge to say the least, but I've known throughout that...if I need to, I can pick up the phone and someone will be right there for me, with no other expectation than to help me feel better.
I'm so used to feeling a need to defend myself, that it's a relief and unsettling all at the same time....hmmm is this what being a grown up is all about? It's a very strange place I tell ya....
hobbz
Woke up totally feeling better than I had in several days, since I got caught up on my sleep, luckily. By 10:00 a.m. my world had totally and completely out of the blue, blown up. So like dealing with a major "family" crisis isn't enough...I can slowly feel the pain start creeping into my legs. After a few hours and much pain medication, that pain has become intolerable, but doesn't really matter, cuz I still dutifully have to meet the needs of those who created the crisis. By 4pm I knew I was pretty much going to be screwed for many days. Sleep hasn't come more than about an hour at a time since. My pain on a scale of 0-10 is sitting pretty consistently at an 8 for 3 days now. I got to tell ya, there's not much in life that's more wearing on the soul than chronic pain! I'm in one of those spots, where I just curl up in the fetal position and try to keep things as dark, still, and quiet as possible. How very practical....not!
I've again found that I've really isolated myself in a lot of ways....but I think it's been also a way of insulating others from what I go through regularly. The difference on Sunday is that I actually reached out, asked for help, and found that I have some pretty amazing friends out there, and a brother that is second to none. Not that any of them did anything earth shatteringly big, but they just simply supported me without question. I guess I've created a scenario in my head where I feel like I have to explain myself. They just recognized the situation for what it was and listened to what I had to say.
There's that nebulous point in life, once you've found your significant other, and established a life together....then you (err I) realize that the focus of your whole world and support has shifted ever so slightly, but in a very different direction. Growing up we just know that our parents are always there for us and we don't question. When we become young adults and first marry, we spend time bonding with our spouse and slowly changing that ever important parent/child relationship to one of parent/adult child. Well I have my new immediate family, and we've been together almost 9 years, and I love my husband and son more than anything in the world, and couldn't ask for 2 more committed people to build my life with. ..... yet something of late has shifted and I'm not sure what that is..... it's not good....it's not bad....it's just different.
I'm not sure how to explain what I'm getting at here. I guess it's the fact that in my marriage and with my child, we work very hard together and discuss very openly how we're feeling with each other. On the flip side of the coin, I come from a background, where that kind of openness wasn't there. I always thought that finding your soul mate meant that everything just clicked and problems didn't pose big obstacles.....yes I know I was very Naive....but here's the deal; after having been with my husband for 9 years, we become a stronger couple every single day, and that is in direct correlation with how committed we are to each other as well as our commitment to working out whatever life brings our way.
So on Sunday, when I was in immediate crisis and my husband was 3000 miles away, I had a choice. I could just deal with the situation by myself and wait to hear from him ( which is my automatic default mode), or I could phone a parent and look for support there, but in the end I phoned a friend and then once things had calmed a little I explored the situation with a couple others. This is rambling on and probably sounding really confusing right now, but the important thing I got out of this experience, is that I don't have to be alone AND I don't have to insulate others from my disease (pain).
I have a soul mate second to none, a brother that I can always count on to tell me the truth and support me....and I have created my own independent support system of friends etc that are there for me night or day. For quite a number of years now, I've tried to be really self-sufficient and then only rely on a couple of key individuals to support me in crisis. My life is what I make it...and I by choice (but quite unconsciously) I made my circle too small, there's not alot of support and love that comes from that. By taking chances and risking my intimate emotions and thoughts with others, I've created a support network that I've really come to cherish.
As I type this it dawns on me that that's what "growing up" is all about. I don't know that I fit into the "grown up" category, but I do know that I drew alot of comfort from the knowledge that I wasn't all alone on Sunday. When I said on the phone " I just wanted to know that someone was on my side" the response was ever so simple, yet one of the most powerful I've ever heard "of course I am, where else would I be". I wasn't questioned, I didn't have to justify myself...I was simply believed in. These last few days with my fibro have been a challenge to say the least, but I've known throughout that...if I need to, I can pick up the phone and someone will be right there for me, with no other expectation than to help me feel better.
I'm so used to feeling a need to defend myself, that it's a relief and unsettling all at the same time....hmmm is this what being a grown up is all about? It's a very strange place I tell ya....
hobbz
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Yay it's Saturday!
AAAAAAAHHHHH Saturday, is quite possibly the best day of the week. One can sleep in late, no work has to be done, you can stay up late, and still not have to worry about going back to work until Sunday. I never really appreciated the beauty of a Saturday when I did shift work, since my days off were all over the place....but now that I work 5 on and 2 off, for the first time in my life I don't have to work on weekends, I've really come to appreciate this day. sigh
This week seemed like a long one. I think my body still isn't 100% recovered from the flu, so I went through most days in an exhausted blur. It's funny how still, yet again, some more...I (unconsciously, I hope/think) try to fight the fibro and be "normal", whatever that is. I went through Monday and Tuesday, just dead ass tired but plodded through. But then by Wednesday, I was past the point of over-exhausted and I STILL had to convince myself to go lay down for a nap. Why do I continue to do this, I just don't know. A nap is such a simple thing....but wow can it make a difference. I slept and felt soooo much better afterwords. Life just seems so much easier to cope with when I've had a little sleep. The telling thing is however, that when I went to work Thursday, 3 separate people stopped me and said I "must be feeling better" and that I "finally had some color back in my face".
I just have to shake my head, it really spotlights for me how hard I'm still fighting this disease. Even now when I feel like I've really embraced it and tried to integrate it into my day and work with it instead of against it. I'm sensing I still have some more work to do in this area....lol
I'm such a creature of habit, and my habit has always been to work harder and stronger at everything. I'm digging myself a whole here and still trying to figure out how to find a happy medium. I know that this is just part of the learning experience s we humans struggle with. It's not made better or worse by my fibro....it's just highlighted and prompting me to work on this particular issue probably quicker than I would have without the disease....that at least is a good thing.
well i'm off to enjoy my Saturday folks! Maybe I'll even take a nap! lmao
hobbz
This week seemed like a long one. I think my body still isn't 100% recovered from the flu, so I went through most days in an exhausted blur. It's funny how still, yet again, some more...I (unconsciously, I hope/think) try to fight the fibro and be "normal", whatever that is. I went through Monday and Tuesday, just dead ass tired but plodded through. But then by Wednesday, I was past the point of over-exhausted and I STILL had to convince myself to go lay down for a nap. Why do I continue to do this, I just don't know. A nap is such a simple thing....but wow can it make a difference. I slept and felt soooo much better afterwords. Life just seems so much easier to cope with when I've had a little sleep. The telling thing is however, that when I went to work Thursday, 3 separate people stopped me and said I "must be feeling better" and that I "finally had some color back in my face".
I just have to shake my head, it really spotlights for me how hard I'm still fighting this disease. Even now when I feel like I've really embraced it and tried to integrate it into my day and work with it instead of against it. I'm sensing I still have some more work to do in this area....lol
I'm such a creature of habit, and my habit has always been to work harder and stronger at everything. I'm digging myself a whole here and still trying to figure out how to find a happy medium. I know that this is just part of the learning experience s we humans struggle with. It's not made better or worse by my fibro....it's just highlighted and prompting me to work on this particular issue probably quicker than I would have without the disease....that at least is a good thing.
well i'm off to enjoy my Saturday folks! Maybe I'll even take a nap! lmao
hobbz
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I've been tagged
So apparently I've been tagged and now I need to write a six word memoire...wowzers...no pressure! LOL
Living...Last life to next life!
I was tagged by DJS at http://dj-astellarlife.blogspot.com/
now for the fun part...the following people have been tagged
1. Write your own six word memoir
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want
3. link to the person that tagged you in your post and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
4. tag at least five more blogs with links.
5. Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.
http://soxandcinders.blogspot.com/
http://nightmare54.blogspot.com/
http://bree-theblogblog.blogspot.com/
and that's all I'm going to tag for now, cuz I don't post on a whole lot of blogs, but I do read several....these are 3 that I read regularly tho.
Anyone else that feels like continuing this memoir string please feel free to say that I was the one who tagged you....I'll even add ur blog to the above list!
have a good night folks
hobbz
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Did you miss me????
So yes at long last I'm back on the blog. As I said in my last blog, I lost the race with our puppy to the scooby snacks. Turns out I broke my rib....OUCH. Then if that wasn't bad enough....I caught the flu shortly after that, so I was pretty much K.O.'d for a good week and a half. I started feeling appreciably better this weekend so I'll be back at work tomorrow.
The good news however is that I did get to see the rheumy who specializes in fibromyalgia, this past week. He took me completely off the amitryptaline/elavil. I was taking it to help me get to sleep at night. He was surprised that my docs put me on it. His concern is that all it does is promote weight gain, which oddly enough is what I've been doing since I've been on it. At least I know it wasn't ALL my doing! So in it's placed we have doubled the amount of cymbalta that I take, which is great. One, because I really have alot of reduced pain with the cymbalta, and two, I always like it when I can get off one of my meds as opposed to add another one. My concern was not being able to get to sleep, but I've always taken my cymbalta in the morning. Now I take double what I have been, but at night. I started this on Wednesday night, and with the exception of last night I've been sleeping reasonably well. One night of not sleeping is much better than the avg for me so no complaints so far. The increase has upset my stomach a fair bit, but I'm told that that will be a temporary side effect so all's good. The best part is that I have noticed less pain since the increase, which ultimately is my goal, so what's my conclusion thus far???? Four days in...and so far it's two thumbs up! I'll keep you all posted on that though.
The doc also suggested I get a "hydropillow" which is as the name indicates, a regular pillow that has some water in it too. He said that he's found in his fms patients that these pillows really help decrease the neck and shoulder stiffness, and pain. I haven't picked one up yet but hopefully this week. He gave me a bunch of stretches to do, morning and night, just to keep my muscles stretched and relaxed, I'm hoping now that I'm feeling better I'll be able to get into a routine with all of this stuff.
And of course, as all fibromites know....exercise is our friend! kind of....Even he states that initially it's going to hurt, but in the long run, it will go a long way to promoting better muscle health and hopefully less intense flares. With my rib I'm kind of limited right now, but I'm working towards the exercise routine slowly. In the past I've always tried to jump right in there and set up a routine of working out 5-6 days a week....and guess what???? can you believe it??? It never worked and I'd just give up! YES....I'm slowly, little by little....starting to see the errors of my ways! So now my goal is to get to the gym at least twice in 7 days and stretch at least once daily.....we'll see where that takes me.
So all in all it was a good visit. I go back in 5 weeks to see how the med change has worked and we'll go from there. At least I feel like I have a workable and reasonable plan for now!
hobbz
The good news however is that I did get to see the rheumy who specializes in fibromyalgia, this past week. He took me completely off the amitryptaline/elavil. I was taking it to help me get to sleep at night. He was surprised that my docs put me on it. His concern is that all it does is promote weight gain, which oddly enough is what I've been doing since I've been on it. At least I know it wasn't ALL my doing! So in it's placed we have doubled the amount of cymbalta that I take, which is great. One, because I really have alot of reduced pain with the cymbalta, and two, I always like it when I can get off one of my meds as opposed to add another one. My concern was not being able to get to sleep, but I've always taken my cymbalta in the morning. Now I take double what I have been, but at night. I started this on Wednesday night, and with the exception of last night I've been sleeping reasonably well. One night of not sleeping is much better than the avg for me so no complaints so far. The increase has upset my stomach a fair bit, but I'm told that that will be a temporary side effect so all's good. The best part is that I have noticed less pain since the increase, which ultimately is my goal, so what's my conclusion thus far???? Four days in...and so far it's two thumbs up! I'll keep you all posted on that though.
The doc also suggested I get a "hydropillow" which is as the name indicates, a regular pillow that has some water in it too. He said that he's found in his fms patients that these pillows really help decrease the neck and shoulder stiffness, and pain. I haven't picked one up yet but hopefully this week. He gave me a bunch of stretches to do, morning and night, just to keep my muscles stretched and relaxed, I'm hoping now that I'm feeling better I'll be able to get into a routine with all of this stuff.
And of course, as all fibromites know....exercise is our friend! kind of....Even he states that initially it's going to hurt, but in the long run, it will go a long way to promoting better muscle health and hopefully less intense flares. With my rib I'm kind of limited right now, but I'm working towards the exercise routine slowly. In the past I've always tried to jump right in there and set up a routine of working out 5-6 days a week....and guess what???? can you believe it??? It never worked and I'd just give up! YES....I'm slowly, little by little....starting to see the errors of my ways! So now my goal is to get to the gym at least twice in 7 days and stretch at least once daily.....we'll see where that takes me.
So all in all it was a good visit. I go back in 5 weeks to see how the med change has worked and we'll go from there. At least I feel like I have a workable and reasonable plan for now!
hobbz
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Checking in...
I thought I'd put up a quick post before going to bed. It's been a long week with our budding "adolescent" which has taken a toll on me. I am however, proud to announce that I was really good at taking care of myself this week in spite of the hormones that were raging in our house LOL. Taking the time when I needed to instead of doing laundry or washing the kitchen floor, which really needs it by the way...really helped me to not get overwhelmed with my disease and the daily crap that arises. So kudos to me I guess.
My biggest issue was having my dog trip me and falling down the stairs on Monday....ouch....the muscle that was already torn....yup not so much healing now! The rest of my back has gotten to the stage that it's just stiff, so I'm back to square one, with the back....but what can you do. Lots of ice the first couple of days and then it's been heat the last day or so....slowly but surely it will get better???? i hope!
It sucks to not heal as well as one did when we were younger and then add fms into the mix and you create a muscle nightmare lol.....yikes
hope everyone is well....fight the good fight
hobbz
My biggest issue was having my dog trip me and falling down the stairs on Monday....ouch....the muscle that was already torn....yup not so much healing now! The rest of my back has gotten to the stage that it's just stiff, so I'm back to square one, with the back....but what can you do. Lots of ice the first couple of days and then it's been heat the last day or so....slowly but surely it will get better???? i hope!
It sucks to not heal as well as one did when we were younger and then add fms into the mix and you create a muscle nightmare lol.....yikes
hope everyone is well....fight the good fight
hobbz
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Yea for the weekend!
The best thing about weekends for me living with fibromyalgia.........is the opportunity to sleep! Man o Man do I love my sleep! After a week of working and everyday life it's feels so nice to get caught up. Slept in until almost 11 a.m. then my son was out playing with friends so I took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and now it's almost 10pm and I'm off for some more sleep.
I guess that's both good and bad. It is definitely a necessity so I have to catch up. The bad side is that as Cinders was saying in her last comment "do i have much of a social life?" ----nope. That's another part of the whole equation. Is my quality of life what it should be? or what the avg person's is? that's a pretty subjective thing to judge but I'd love to be out there snow shoeing or skiing or hiking or fishing, on the weekends as opposed to sleeping. I also try not to sleep alot when my husband is working out of town, because that's not really fair for my son. Luckily tho he's 12 now and is out with friends or snowboarding in the afternoons so I can sleep guilt free. Hopefully tomorrow won't be so tiring, but after groceries, lunch out, and hair cuts' today....I was drop dead tired. What r u going to do?
have a good weekend everyone......and oh by the way......I love the fact that this blog is starting to reach other people! it's great to hear other's experiences, it brings alot of hope and normalcy to a situation that feels really out of control and crummy! So thanks guys!!!!
hobbz
I guess that's both good and bad. It is definitely a necessity so I have to catch up. The bad side is that as Cinders was saying in her last comment "do i have much of a social life?" ----nope. That's another part of the whole equation. Is my quality of life what it should be? or what the avg person's is? that's a pretty subjective thing to judge but I'd love to be out there snow shoeing or skiing or hiking or fishing, on the weekends as opposed to sleeping. I also try not to sleep alot when my husband is working out of town, because that's not really fair for my son. Luckily tho he's 12 now and is out with friends or snowboarding in the afternoons so I can sleep guilt free. Hopefully tomorrow won't be so tiring, but after groceries, lunch out, and hair cuts' today....I was drop dead tired. What r u going to do?
have a good weekend everyone......and oh by the way......I love the fact that this blog is starting to reach other people! it's great to hear other's experiences, it brings alot of hope and normalcy to a situation that feels really out of control and crummy! So thanks guys!!!!
hobbz
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