I'm in a flare from hell, which has me honestly raging against this fricking disease! I try so hard to keep perspective, but right now my only thought is how exhausted I am from hurting and exhaustion...lol. I am barely sleeping at all and my legs feel like they are both being crushed AND are in a meat grinder, not to mention my neck and shoulder are hideously painful.
Sometimes I just want it all to go away! How does one keep perspective during a flare???? I just don't know. I know that it will pass at some point, but I'm tired of being 39 and alternating days between using a cane to keep my legs in check and not using the cane because my shoulder is killing me. I hate it I hate it I hate it!
But what can I do, but rant and rave, then suck it up and keep moving. Which I'm going to do, but really i have no choice here. And maybe that's what pisses me off the most. The fact that I have no control in what this disease is going to do, or when it's going to strike. I know there are folks that are much worse off than me, but right now I'm too marred in self-pity to care. yikes there's a statement!
so here I sit....frustrated and angry...and exhausted, and in pain...and fighting to not give up hope.
chronic pain and illness is constantly there no matter what....how does one finally come to terms with that? I go through periods where I think I've accepted my situation and I've laid all these feelings to rest. Maybe that is the problem....I expect to be able to lay it to rest, and not feel crappy about it anymore. Looking at that in type, it dawns on me that my expectations are warped...go figure. I need to find a way to accept that things WILL indeed suck in times of flares/pain/exhaustion....I'm just not sure how to do that just yet.
i'll keep you posted on that one.