Wednesday, September 12, 2007

OFF TRACK I GO.....AAAAHHHH

So today is one of those days! Anyone with FM knows of what I speak. I'm going to preface this blog with the fact that I'm ranting; so it probably won't make a lick of sense, but for me, that's what this blog is for. A place for me to share my good, my bad, and my ugly!

Over the last 5 years I've slowly been scaling down my employment in a few ways:
1. I've changed how physically demanding my job is. I've gone from EMT, to Respiratory therapy, to desk job in a NICU, to desk job in a calm and quiet dept. in the hospital. All of this inspite of the fact that I absolutely LOVE working with medical emergencies.
2. My hours have also changed dramatically. 24 hour shift to 12 hour shift, to 10 hour shifts, to five 8 hour shifts per week, to four 8 hour shifts/week, and now finally to five 6 hour shifts per week.
3. I've gone to high stress, adrenaline pumping work to, answer phone calls and log them (maybe a tad simplified, but you get the idea)

Now at the time of each change I've come up with ways to convince myself that I wasn't doing it because I have FM, but rather the schedule is better, or the hours work with my son's school or whatever, crap I want to feed myself with.

The brutal and honest truth is that my body can no longer handle stress of any kind, AND it most certainly will make me pay, if I work more than about 25-30 hours of even the most calm and mundane job, a week. So all of this is leading to a point...really it is.

Starting this past Monday (oh my god, that's only 2 days ago), one of my co-workers is off work for 6-8 weeks to recover from knee surgery. So I am doing her job and my job, which has taken me to 8 hour days, and I'm not even getting everything done. So now it's day 3 and I'm a mess, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I hurt so bad I can't even stand it! The fibro fog has hit my brain like a brick wall ( nothing in nothing out), and my tolerance for ANY LITTLE THING has gone out the window. I can't sleep, eat, think, rest, coexist....i'm pretty much beat up. I hate the fact that I've become this pathetic...I used to be able to do anything I put my mind to, and now....well,....what? I dunno? I feel lost, let down, angry, frustrated...blah blah blah.

It is so defeating to not be able to use your mind and body like everybody else. Like the body I had ten years ago...i can't even describe what it's like to be trapped in this shell. I know there are people out there that have way bigger challenges, and medical issues; but by the same token, this is what I live with, day in and day out.

you know how you feel when you have the real icky flu, you ache all over and it hurts to have a blanket on your skin...right now that is multiplied by 10,and you get how I feel physically. I won't even get into my lack of brain function.

I just want to be normal again for one day! please....please....please....
it just feels like there's no point to any of this, but I have to work, and I'm not bringing in enough money to help support our family...what is the answer????

the answer is there is no answer, I just have to suck it up and deal with the hand that was dealt to me....which of course I will do....just cuz that's what I do? is there really any other choice? nope?
so to the blogging world i bid you a restfull night of sleep, if I can't have it somebody else sure should....lol (pathetically)

j