Once again time has sped by at break-neck speed...but the last 2 months have been really crazy and sobering for me. In early December we travelled to San Diego for 10 days and had an amazing time...it was great to be in semi-warm weather again! As soon as I got back I started work, and that was a total disaster. The first week I worked Wed-Fri, and thought I was going to die of exhaustion, from the fibromyalgia and lack of sleep with an 8 month old, but I made it through. Went to work the following Monday and that night came down with the flu/cold from hell! I was sick as a dog for about 9 days. I know that it was a killer bug, but I also know that it was compounded by the fact that I was exhausted from working. During my sick time off of work, it became abundantly clear that I just can't hack working in a conventional job anymore. While I knew this when I originally left the position, I kind of forgot, because I was feeling relatively good, being at home with the baby...and I was only going back for a limited amount of time. Who can't handle a couple months of work...right? Well apparently I can't...and I fricking hate hate hate hate it. It makes me feel so flipping useless, i don't even know how to express it. I know that I'm doing a great job at home and with the kids, but i hate the thought that my body won't let me work if I want to. The lack of control is quite infuriating.
I keep trying to tell myself that there are lots of folks a lot worse off than I, and that for now I really am enjoying being at home with Emma...but there is still that lingering voice that hints that I'm a failure and "less than" everyone else.
I will get over it, and I will accept the fact as it is...but to be honest it just plain sucks ass! I'm an over achiever by nature, and fms certainly has put me in my place. I'm checking into some Internet stuff to make some extra cash...and I've agreed to work 3 hours a day from home, until my boss can find a replacement for me...only because I felt guilty as hell bailing on them like I did.
This new reality sucks...it's been almost 6 yrs since I was diagnosed and 8 months since I stopped working and I'm still struggling with how this disease takes away from my life. argh. As I'm sure you can tell, I keep trying to tell myself positives...but to be honest right now I think they are a load of crap and I just don't believe them...so at this point I think time is the answer. I need to give myself time to accept what has happened...accept my reality...and realize that I really do enjoy my life as it is today...I just hate this stupid disease. I'm tired of hurting, not sleeping, not being able to handle sound, smells etc...and most of all and I know this sounds weird to folks who don't have a chronic condition, but a big part of me wishes this disease wasn't so invisible so that others could see it and understand at least on some level what I'm dealing with.... we will see what time does for the ego/brain lol
cheers...hobbz
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Hellooooo all
Wow it's the middle of November already, can you believe it? Celebrated my 41st birthday with my husband and two kiddos last week and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was nice and quiet, but having the 4 of us all together for the evening was just what the doctor ordered.
I really don't have much new going on since my last post. I continue to try and manage the stress of daily life, and all that comes with it. Our weather has gotten significantly colder and I notice I sleep less and less when the weather is cold. The good thing is that my pain has been pretty good over the past couple of weeks.
In late December I'm going to help my old job out for a couple of months to help out with maternity and surgery leaves. I will work pretty much full time for January and February and then just on-call to cover vacations etc. after that. While it will be nice to have the extra pay, and get out of the house a bit, I'm pretty nervous about the whole idea. I'm really scared that when my hubby isn't home, it's going to really take a toll on my body....trying to care for a 6 month old and working full time...and then having my son home on the weekends....but it's time limited, and that needs to be my focus. I'm not really sure if this is the best decision or not right now...but it will help out financially and like I said it's only a couple of months. I can do anything for 2 months....that would appall me to do for a lifetime????? right????
we will see....sigh
I really don't have much new going on since my last post. I continue to try and manage the stress of daily life, and all that comes with it. Our weather has gotten significantly colder and I notice I sleep less and less when the weather is cold. The good thing is that my pain has been pretty good over the past couple of weeks.
In late December I'm going to help my old job out for a couple of months to help out with maternity and surgery leaves. I will work pretty much full time for January and February and then just on-call to cover vacations etc. after that. While it will be nice to have the extra pay, and get out of the house a bit, I'm pretty nervous about the whole idea. I'm really scared that when my hubby isn't home, it's going to really take a toll on my body....trying to care for a 6 month old and working full time...and then having my son home on the weekends....but it's time limited, and that needs to be my focus. I'm not really sure if this is the best decision or not right now...but it will help out financially and like I said it's only a couple of months. I can do anything for 2 months....that would appall me to do for a lifetime????? right????
we will see....sigh
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
long week
Well it's been a long week! Winter has definitely arrived in Alaska, and I'm feeling woefully unprepared for it mentally. I can already see the decline/change in my health.
Also feeling the impact of a lot of losses this week. I've lost some key pillars that I relied on in my life over the last year, and when I'm on my own, with a struggling teen and an infant I have no experience with, I feel pretty overwhelmed. Some of those pillars were people and some were ideals that I had on how things would play out under certain circumstances....I guess either way they are losses.
So colder weather and mental stress always triggers the fibro. Still not sleeping well, and feeling more pain because of it. It's like a vicious circle, when one thing falters it becomes a horrible snowball effect that leaves one exhausted and in pain. It's a lot harder to keep positive during these times....the good part is, that even though I feel poopy, I'm still better off now on the new meds than before...so I guess it could always be worse right?
cup half full and all that :0)
hobbz
Also feeling the impact of a lot of losses this week. I've lost some key pillars that I relied on in my life over the last year, and when I'm on my own, with a struggling teen and an infant I have no experience with, I feel pretty overwhelmed. Some of those pillars were people and some were ideals that I had on how things would play out under certain circumstances....I guess either way they are losses.
So colder weather and mental stress always triggers the fibro. Still not sleeping well, and feeling more pain because of it. It's like a vicious circle, when one thing falters it becomes a horrible snowball effect that leaves one exhausted and in pain. It's a lot harder to keep positive during these times....the good part is, that even though I feel poopy, I'm still better off now on the new meds than before...so I guess it could always be worse right?
cup half full and all that :0)
hobbz
Friday, October 22, 2010
the fibro continues
I know I should have updated sooner, but my doc appt was postponed. All in all things went well, however, and as per usual I let my mind get the best of me. She feels that the joint issues are all part of the fibro, and unless I start getting swelling or pain not associated with caring for Emma...then I'm just fine.
I think part of the issue is that before I was on Savella, I was in so much muscle pain, i didn't really notice the joint pain, and now that the muscle pain is greatly reduced, I feel more of the other fms symptoms.
Been having lots of trouble sleeping lately, and I'm feeling like my old friend fibromyalgia is settling in again after the reprieve of pregnancy. I guess that's just the way it is. Really trying to keep physically active, which is always hard when you're tired, but I know that the payoff is worth it.
I've noticed alot of touch sensitivity lately...does anyone else notice that. We have a super soft blanket on our bed, and I bought it because it was so comfy...but when my fibro is rearing it's ugly head...I can't bear to touch it...it's too soft and it gives me the worst feeling ever.....weird huh
I think part of the issue is that before I was on Savella, I was in so much muscle pain, i didn't really notice the joint pain, and now that the muscle pain is greatly reduced, I feel more of the other fms symptoms.
Been having lots of trouble sleeping lately, and I'm feeling like my old friend fibromyalgia is settling in again after the reprieve of pregnancy. I guess that's just the way it is. Really trying to keep physically active, which is always hard when you're tired, but I know that the payoff is worth it.
I've noticed alot of touch sensitivity lately...does anyone else notice that. We have a super soft blanket on our bed, and I bought it because it was so comfy...but when my fibro is rearing it's ugly head...I can't bear to touch it...it's too soft and it gives me the worst feeling ever.....weird huh
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
new symptoms?
Thanks folks for the comments and emails/FB replies to my last post...I truly value all the support that you have given to me.
Things on the home front are slowly getting better...which has allowed me to get more in touch with my feelings and how my health is being affected by all of the drama. I've noticed recently that a lot of my joints are really bothering me/feeling strained. I'm not sure what that's about. My fibro has only ever affected my muscles...so this is new for me. When I cough or sneeze I get a long lasting wave of pain through all my joints literally. Also I seem to have random pain/strain attacks in my joints. Ongoing my left elbow has been killing me...but also my right knee and ankle will just out of the blue become super painful, almost as if electric shocks are going through them...one day going up the stairs my ankle got so bad I couldn't even walk on it, and had to resort to a cane for a couple of days and now it randomly hurts when I put weight on it...put it's totally random and short lived. My right wrist also goes through periods of feeling like it's sprained, kind of like my elbow. I've also had some trouble with my hips...it's totally weird.
I see my doc on the 30th so we will see what she thinks...part of me thinks maybe it's a side effect of the new Savella I'm taking...which would suck since it's helped the rest of my FMS soooo much...but then a darker side of me worries I'm developing something else like arthritis or MS...it's never good to sit with these thoughts for too long....so I'm trying to patiently wait until I see the doc.
In the meantime I'm trying to keep physically active, eat right, sleep well, and continue my counselling to deal with emotional stuff....that's the best one can do for now.
lots of love to all of you! Thanks for being my Peeps!
hobbz
Things on the home front are slowly getting better...which has allowed me to get more in touch with my feelings and how my health is being affected by all of the drama. I've noticed recently that a lot of my joints are really bothering me/feeling strained. I'm not sure what that's about. My fibro has only ever affected my muscles...so this is new for me. When I cough or sneeze I get a long lasting wave of pain through all my joints literally. Also I seem to have random pain/strain attacks in my joints. Ongoing my left elbow has been killing me...but also my right knee and ankle will just out of the blue become super painful, almost as if electric shocks are going through them...one day going up the stairs my ankle got so bad I couldn't even walk on it, and had to resort to a cane for a couple of days and now it randomly hurts when I put weight on it...put it's totally random and short lived. My right wrist also goes through periods of feeling like it's sprained, kind of like my elbow. I've also had some trouble with my hips...it's totally weird.
I see my doc on the 30th so we will see what she thinks...part of me thinks maybe it's a side effect of the new Savella I'm taking...which would suck since it's helped the rest of my FMS soooo much...but then a darker side of me worries I'm developing something else like arthritis or MS...it's never good to sit with these thoughts for too long....so I'm trying to patiently wait until I see the doc.
In the meantime I'm trying to keep physically active, eat right, sleep well, and continue my counselling to deal with emotional stuff....that's the best one can do for now.
lots of love to all of you! Thanks for being my Peeps!
hobbz
Saturday, August 28, 2010
and life continues on....
Even with my best intentions, it's been a month since my last post....where oh where does the time go????
It has been a VERY hectic and stressful month. Life at home has been rather crazy with my husband and step-son. My step-son has not been well for some time now, and we have ended up with him living away from home and just coming home on weekends. This situation in and of itself is a huge blow and change to our family...but it has created many added stressors for my husband and I. On top of that, as some of you know my husband works 2 weeks out of town and is home for 2 weeks, so only having him around half the time gets tough.
With all of this going on, my fibro has definitely started to flare. It's especially bad when my husband is home, due to the stress in our relationship. It's hard to focus on what needs to be done and worked on when I'm exhausted and in pain! Then I get resentful because I can see the immediate negative response of my body when we are together....this is a tough one for me to sort out. Our family is in crisis...and because of that my fibro is in crisis. Thank god I'm on savella, or I don't know how bad off I'd be...bed bound is my guess.
So right now I'm just trying to take care of myself, and the baby. I've spent the last year trying to make things work out for my husband, and step-son, and clearly the toll that that has taken on my body and psyche is no longer acceptable. It's hard to find balance with this disease, since it's so relentless when we get stressed. I'm working really hard at not being resentful towards those who cause me stress....I'm trying to take the situation for what it is, and work with it, as opposed to fight it. I'm used to always trying to fight for control, and my fibro has taught me, how detrimental to my self that is....I can no longer continue to try and be everything for everybody. I need to focus on me and Emma...my husband and step-son will always have my love and support, but I can no longer be the "fixer" for them or the "organizer" for them...they have to learn to do these things for themselves.
Unfortunately with me changing the family dynamics that drastically, the backlash has been great. How to stay healthy and sane in an insane and out of control situation????? hmmm that is the question. I need to figure out a way to not be debilitated by my disease when the crap hits the fan.....I'm just not sure how to do that as of yet.....any ideas are very much welcome....
hanging in there!
hobbz
It has been a VERY hectic and stressful month. Life at home has been rather crazy with my husband and step-son. My step-son has not been well for some time now, and we have ended up with him living away from home and just coming home on weekends. This situation in and of itself is a huge blow and change to our family...but it has created many added stressors for my husband and I. On top of that, as some of you know my husband works 2 weeks out of town and is home for 2 weeks, so only having him around half the time gets tough.
With all of this going on, my fibro has definitely started to flare. It's especially bad when my husband is home, due to the stress in our relationship. It's hard to focus on what needs to be done and worked on when I'm exhausted and in pain! Then I get resentful because I can see the immediate negative response of my body when we are together....this is a tough one for me to sort out. Our family is in crisis...and because of that my fibro is in crisis. Thank god I'm on savella, or I don't know how bad off I'd be...bed bound is my guess.
So right now I'm just trying to take care of myself, and the baby. I've spent the last year trying to make things work out for my husband, and step-son, and clearly the toll that that has taken on my body and psyche is no longer acceptable. It's hard to find balance with this disease, since it's so relentless when we get stressed. I'm working really hard at not being resentful towards those who cause me stress....I'm trying to take the situation for what it is, and work with it, as opposed to fight it. I'm used to always trying to fight for control, and my fibro has taught me, how detrimental to my self that is....I can no longer continue to try and be everything for everybody. I need to focus on me and Emma...my husband and step-son will always have my love and support, but I can no longer be the "fixer" for them or the "organizer" for them...they have to learn to do these things for themselves.
Unfortunately with me changing the family dynamics that drastically, the backlash has been great. How to stay healthy and sane in an insane and out of control situation????? hmmm that is the question. I need to figure out a way to not be debilitated by my disease when the crap hits the fan.....I'm just not sure how to do that as of yet.....any ideas are very much welcome....
hanging in there!
hobbz
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Finally...my computer is up and running again!
I have had my computer in the shop forever!!!! But as you can see it's back up and running, and I am back up and blogging...yay me!
Sooo much has happened in the last 2+ months. Little Emma is the most amazing thing ever...she's close to 12lbs now and we just moved her into 3month clothing...she's no longer our little newborn :( I can't believe how fast she grows and changes, you can see huge differences in a matter of days, with her. The lack of sleep and long fussy sessions are so worth it though....I can't say enough how much I love having her in my life.
Now that I'm no longer pregnant, my fibro is definitely back, but my doctor was also able to start me on Savella since I'm not breastfeeding. I'm telling you folks...it has made a world of difference in my life. Pre-Savella I was taking six 50mg tramodols a day just to manage my pain, on top of the cymbalta which also helps with pain control. Now I am completely off the cymbalta, and I take one-two tramodols a day for pain! It is so flipping awesome. What I do notice however is that with the new baby my muscles are very unrelenting...if I hold her one way for too long or too often...that area flares big time. My shoulders are giving me the biggest problems right now as they support all her weight when I carry her or burp her. i try really hard to alternate, but I'm using lots of heating pads at night to get through. I've always had trouble with repetitive movements and my fibro...whatever area of my body that is used over and over...flares in an unrelenting way.
As far as my exhaustion and the fibro, and the baby...it's hard to tell which came first...it's a chicken/egg scenario. I'm tired, but I'm not at the I can't get out of bed stage at this point which is good. Stress is also still a big trigger for my fibro...homelife has been less than peaceful as of late with our teenage son, and I definitely notice that major times of stress, cause my fms to flare...but all in all...I'm sooooo glad to be on the Savella.
I know that drugs affect everyone differently, and that this one can make you really nauseous...I had a bad two days, but that's all....I've heard of folks who have to stop the drug because it makes them so sick. If you haven't tried it, I would definitely recommend looking into it. It's made a world of difference in my life...I'm hoping that it will continue to do so. Cymbalta initially helped my pain a lot, but I found that that didn't last over time...so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I hope all of you are doing well...I've missed blogging a ton, and hope to keep a regular schedule of posts going now that I'm back online with my puter, and not just my cell phone
love you all!
hobbz
Sooo much has happened in the last 2+ months. Little Emma is the most amazing thing ever...she's close to 12lbs now and we just moved her into 3month clothing...she's no longer our little newborn :( I can't believe how fast she grows and changes, you can see huge differences in a matter of days, with her. The lack of sleep and long fussy sessions are so worth it though....I can't say enough how much I love having her in my life.
Now that I'm no longer pregnant, my fibro is definitely back, but my doctor was also able to start me on Savella since I'm not breastfeeding. I'm telling you folks...it has made a world of difference in my life. Pre-Savella I was taking six 50mg tramodols a day just to manage my pain, on top of the cymbalta which also helps with pain control. Now I am completely off the cymbalta, and I take one-two tramodols a day for pain! It is so flipping awesome. What I do notice however is that with the new baby my muscles are very unrelenting...if I hold her one way for too long or too often...that area flares big time. My shoulders are giving me the biggest problems right now as they support all her weight when I carry her or burp her. i try really hard to alternate, but I'm using lots of heating pads at night to get through. I've always had trouble with repetitive movements and my fibro...whatever area of my body that is used over and over...flares in an unrelenting way.
As far as my exhaustion and the fibro, and the baby...it's hard to tell which came first...it's a chicken/egg scenario. I'm tired, but I'm not at the I can't get out of bed stage at this point which is good. Stress is also still a big trigger for my fibro...homelife has been less than peaceful as of late with our teenage son, and I definitely notice that major times of stress, cause my fms to flare...but all in all...I'm sooooo glad to be on the Savella.
I know that drugs affect everyone differently, and that this one can make you really nauseous...I had a bad two days, but that's all....I've heard of folks who have to stop the drug because it makes them so sick. If you haven't tried it, I would definitely recommend looking into it. It's made a world of difference in my life...I'm hoping that it will continue to do so. Cymbalta initially helped my pain a lot, but I found that that didn't last over time...so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I hope all of you are doing well...I've missed blogging a ton, and hope to keep a regular schedule of posts going now that I'm back online with my puter, and not just my cell phone
love you all!
hobbz
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